A Day in the Life....

With eyes still shut I roll over, my mind is awake now, I urge my body not to follow. Feet hit the floor, not mine. Smaller feet, faster feet, louder feet. My ears are awakened now, and if they weren't the screams that followed the scampering of feet did the job.

I squeeze my eyes closed tighter, wait for it... "THUD", right on time, the door flings open and hits the wall. I lay still, slow my breathing, eyes still closed. Maybe they'll think I'm still sleeping, maybe they won't jump... "MOM!!" Little arms on me, bodies climbing over me, surrounding me, now my body is awake.  I'm up...

Rubbing my eyes, reminding my feet to move, one step, then the other, down the stairs we go. Inundated with request, no demands. Cereal, juice, waffles, t.v. show, eggs, toast, wipe my butt... I stand at the sink, staring out the small kitchen window, ears flooded with demands, legs being pulled on by a screaming 13 month old.

Coffee, I have to have coffee, I can't move forward without it, of this I'm sure.  I begin the shuffle, slamming around the cereal bowls and cups of juice, doing my best to not speak, if I do it will surely be screams. I, not very graciously, give each child what they demand, while I wait for my coffee to brew. Now I stand, cup in hand, I just need a minute. I need to get my head on straight, recall all of the days necessary things, like the day of the week, what month is it again? Appointments, dinner, lunches, schedules, practices, floors, laundry, bathrooms, dishes... children. You know, the usual.

A while later I sit to read, open my book, pick up  my pencil, get to the second line... Screams erupt, tears soak a sweet little face, a body shakes. A large and bleeding bump to the head has been acquired by a 3 year old. After further inspection, all is needed is some ice and a lot of love. So much for the book, that opportunity has been lost in the sea of tears.

The hustle and bustle of the day continues, showers, baths, lunches, fights, the anxiety from the morning never leaving, only continue on it's cycle as it escalates to anger, then retreats to guilt.

Finally, quiet. One child sleeps, one is singing her heart out in her room, while the oldest tinkers with his Legos in his room. I sit, looking around at the new piles of crumbs on the floor, the once folded blankets thrown about, the shredded papers everywhere. I see the scattered crayons on the t.v. stand, the toys left out, books with torn pages tossed around. I see a mess, I see more work, I feel angry, defeated, frustrated that my days begin, and ends, with refereeing, cleaning, consoling... A minute to sit, that's it, that's all I wanted, to read, and drink my now 5 hour old, cold cup of coffee, to sit and pray and meditate...

Lost in my thoughts, attempting to stuff down my emotions, and muster up the will power to jump back into the never stopping hamster wheel that is my life. I hear a voice, a sweet voice talking, my attention is now drawn to the 3 year old girl standing at the t.v. stand in front of the pile of crayons and pencils. Her back is turned to me, with her wild hair, t-shirt and underwear she stands with crayons and pencils in her hand. I open my mouth to stop her from what I think is coloring on furniture, only to realize that she isn't guilty of what I almost accused. She is pretending the pencil is the mother, the crayons are the children. They are having a lovely conversation about what they will eat for lunch and what book they will read.

I'm stuck, I can't move, frozen in place... With an aching heart, a knot in my throat, hot tears start to trickle down my cheeks. My anxiety flees, my mind clears... This is what my day was supposed to be, this is where my heart is. For the next hour, I don't move, I sit right where I was, watching, smiling, listening... Anxiety now replaced with joy, my day is new, I'm refreshed, filled, and ready to face the rest of the day.

It's so hard to overlook all the stuff that has to be done, and remember there are 4 little hearts that need to be nurtured and loved. It's hard to not wake up, and before my eyes are even opened, no be overwhelmed with the anxieties of the day ahead of me. I try, I really do, and some days, I succeed, others not so much.

My point? Well, I don't know about the rest of you moms, but what I know for me, is that no day will ever be perfect. Some days will be awesome, and filled with joy, some days will awful, some days I will do everything just good enough, not great but just good enough. For me, the struggle has been understanding that, understanding that no matter how hard I try, the day will not ever be perfect. I can't control all the tears, and fights, and messes, and emotions... I can't control life... I can try my best to make the best of it, and sometimes I will succeed, and sometimes I will fail.

 And, well, that's okay with me.

Equipping my kids, with what????

I pick my older two, ages 6 and 7, up from the bus stop every day. Almost immediately the stories begin, the drama of kindergarten and first grade is unreal! Stories filled with laughter and silly gestures, stories of students bullying, stories of teachers bullying. Some told with smiles and giggles, flushed cheeks as they mention their "crush", some told with tears pouring down their faces, eyes begging please don't send me back, stories told sheepishly as they fear getting in trouble for the mischief they caused at school. Everyday it's something new, I never know how to prepare myself, I just have to get my game face straight before I get them. I try not to give away what I'm thinking as they fill the van with their chatter about the day.

I have to wonder at times, "Am I doing this right? Am I preparing them properly? What tools do they still need? Am I properly equipping them?"  Who/what do I want them to be, how do I want them to behave and react/respond to their surroundings?

I'm finding more and more everyday that some of these questions really don't and can't have an etched in stone answer. I can't decide these things for them, I can't tell them who they'll be, I can't control how they react/respond! Don't get me wrong, I want to, every controlling part of my being is bursting at it's seams just dying to jump out of my skin and tell them exactly who they will be and how they will behave! All I can do is equip them, and pray for them. Then the question is "Equip them with what?" I imagine it's different for each...

So now it's onto trying to answer that question. I can't control who they become, but I do have some say in what type of person they turn out to be! So as I sit tonight, tucking each one in, I ponder, what do I need to equip these little people with? Compassion, empathy, love, kindness, grace, courage, selflessness, boldness, strength... I don't know, maybe there is more, but this is my list, this is it for now...

I want them to be open to others, bold enough to stand up for those who can't and to stand firm in what they believe. I want them to feel what others feel, so that they can provide for them what they need, I want them to be strong enough to stand up when they get knocked down, kind enough to love when they feel unloved. I want them to have courage to be different, to go beyond the limits that the world sets on their lives. I want them to be selfless, remembering and believing that it's not about us, or them. I want them to be willing to live a life that may look different, and to find joy in every bit of it.

Maybe this sounds crazy, and you're thinking they are only 6 and 7! My response, I am amazed daily, when they get off that bus and fill our mini van with their stories. I am amazed how perceptive they are, I'm amazed at how much they understand, I am blown away at how much, at 6 and 7, that they are exposed to, the pain they see, the hurt they feel. They understand brokenness, they see that pain in others. I believe they can learn now how to respond to that, they already show a lot of the things on my list. I just need to water that plant, prune the leaves, give it light, keep it warm, allow it to grow...

I would so much rather do this now... Can you imagine, 16 years old and all of a sudden your child is hit with the shock of a life time, a pill too hard for some to swallow. It's not all about them, Gasp.....

I may do a lot wrong in this parenting thing, we all do, but this is one area I REALLY want to get right!

Trapped

Have you ever watch the Discovery Channel, particularly one of the specials on lions? You know, the ones that you think are educational for your 6 year old until they start mating on film? Oh, that hasn't happened to you? Well, wish I could say the same! Along with the mating scene, they always show the lions feeding, they show the whole process.

The pack of female lions, stalk their prey, watching, waiting, I imagine they lay there salivating, just patiently waiting for the perfect moment, watching for the easiest prey. Then, when the moment has arrived they dart out from all different hiding places in the tall, yellow, grass, charging towards the prey, coming at it from all different directions. The gazelle desperately trying to find salvation, darting to the left, then right, it turns to run back, looking for somewhere safe... But you can see it in the gazelles eyes, in it's body movements when it realizes it's trapped, when it then accepts defeat.

I'm a mother, of four, and I'm lots of other things too, one of those things is... a gazelle. Yep, you read that right, I'm a gazelle.  Have you caught on yet? Some of you are like, "Yo, what is this chick on???", and some of you know exactly what I'm saying!

I love, and adore my children, so much so that sometimes it hurts, but some days I feel so trapped! I would be lying if I said that everything is awesome, (everything is cool when you're part of a team, oops sorry) some days are awesome, and some days are just normal, and some days I feel like the gazelle. I feel trapped, like they are coming at me from all angles, salivating, ready to pounce, and no matter what I do or how hard I try I'm trapped, defeated...

There were times when I would be ashamed for feeling this, not wanting to tell anyone, feeling like a horrible mother for feeling trapped by my own children. I don't anymore, I know that it's okay, and that feeling trapped doesn't make me a terrible mom, or a bad person. It reminds me to be more than a mom, not just for myself but for my children. It gives me courage to be more, to be better. They see me cower, but they then see me rise.

See, unlike the gazelle that is then devoured by her stalker, I'm not really trapped, it's a mental, emotional state, and I'm capable of defeating it. Being a mom is amazing, but sometimes it is just overwhelming, all the roles you have to play, all the faces you have to wear.

Today, remember, YOU ARE AWESOME! You are not perfect, never will be, but you are awesome. You are awesome because you love, because you comfort, you dry tears, you wipe boogies, and wash butts, and kiss snotty faces, and you live as an example, you teach, you guide, you do so much more. Don't forget all you are, don't get caught up in the mistakes, in the moments you lose it, in the failures...

Talk to someone about your struggles, and your triumphs, let another know they're not alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot, and hopefully it strikes a chord with some.

 

Mom Fail

My life as a mother is full of what we all like to call mom fails, or hash tag our pictures and posts with #momfail. I can't even begin to write about all of them because yes, there are that many. Now there was a time that I maybe would have been "ashamed" to talk about them, but trust me when I tell you, I'm over it, as a matter of fact, I embrace them! Every single time I mess up, I show my kids that we all fail, and then I show them that we just keep it moving.

My kids, well more so the older two, swear that I am the only mom that forgot the book fair. Now, this can't be, can it? So I say, "Well how am I supposed to know about the book fair?", to which they reply, "It was on a piece of paper in my folder." Hmmmm, well considering they come home with 8,000 pieces of paper in their folders daily, I'm sure it was in the stack I tossed without reading, because lets face it, who has time to read all that crap? #momfail

Apparently I'm also the only mom that forgets to send love notes on a napkin on "love note Tuesdays". Now this is partially because I can't think straight that early in the morning, but also because there are rarely napkins in this house. I have 4 kids, napkins don't last long ok! So I pry, asking him about each child in class, well does their mom send one, the answer to every child, yes. What the heck, who came up with this junk anyway, really, in the midst of attempting to refill my Keurig, pack lunches, make breakfast, yell out commands to brush teeth and put shoes on, do hair, calm the krakin (my 2 year old), I'm supposed to remember to write a love note on a napkin!?!? I haven't even had my coffee, I haven't even been awake 45 minutes yet, I haven't even peed yet!!  #momfail

Here's another one, as I was running, in flip flops and a skirt, pushing a double stroller, down Merrick road, screaming "STOP" and chasing the bus, I could have sworn I was the only mother that had missed getting their child off the bus. In a sweat, and out of breath I walk 4 blocks back to my house, yes I chased the bus that far, and threw my younger 2 in the van, yes I threw them, I race over to the school. I run to the door where I'm directed to the courtyard to wait for the bus. I sit in the 98 degree heat with the 2 kids for an hour waiting for that stupid yellow bus, but what do I found out?!?! I'm not the only one!!!! I mean out of the whole school there were only three of us, but I wasn't the only one. #momfail

I forget to put their lunches in their bags regularly, I lose important papers, I forget special events, I don't have pajamas for pajama day, I find really old sippy cups in mysterious places, I put them in sneakers without socks, I never remember to pack a change of clothes and I'm lucky if I remember the diapers.... I yell at my kids, I get frustrated, I get angry, I lose my cool, I get too busy, all #momfails. Amidst all of these these are a lot of wins, I really hope and believe that my kids will remember and hold onto the laughter, and the love, and raw honesty of our lives. I know that the love we share as a family will surely overcome all the missed book fairs, right??

 I could just write forever about all the times I fail, I've got 4 kids, so there are plenty of stories to tell, but I want to hear yours! Share your mom fails, because we all have them! We might as well laugh about it, because lets face it, if we don't laugh, we'll cry! So please, share with us your #momfail stories, I know you all have them, I see some them on facebook.

   New name, new look, a work in progress

It felt like it was time for a change, so here is that change. Clearly I need help with design, because lets face it, I suck at that stuff, well I suck at computer stuff in general. I started writing in this blog over a year ago, and I had no idea what I was doing. Guess what, I still have no idea what I'm doing but I feel like I need to keep writing.

When I started this blog, I was really learning so much about myself, I'm pretty sure I had no idea who I was, or what my purpose is. I now have a much better handle on who I am, still not really sure what my purpose is, but I'm okay with that. So many things have happened, life has been crazy, and fun, and sad, and hard. But isn't that just like life, ups and downs, something new at every turn, so monotonous, and so much unexpected all at the same time. Through it all, one thing I'm learning is that it is what I make it, that if I just change the way I look at things, the outcome also changes. Okay, so maybe the outcome doesn't always change, but how I feel about the outcome does!

Example: The other day, the kids stayed home from school, so we made it a craft day. If you know me, you know that I don't enjoy crafts, or anything that's makes a mess. I was so tense the entire time, the paint was on the floors, the clay was stuck in the chair cushions, the rainbow loom bands were, well they were everywhere. I left the room, because I just couldn't handle the mess it was making. I sat and listened to the laughing and giggles, the kids playing together, having fun, and enjoying each others company. I couldn't enjoy it because I couldn't get past the mess, so I go in barking orders to clean it all up, every piece, and don't miss a spot. Later, I went in and saw this big beautifully ugly blob of clay with about 20 crayons sticking out of it. I laugh, alone, in the now clean dining room, I sit and laugh, then I stop. I realize I missed out, now I'm alone and laughing, I totally missed the opportunity to share joy with my children, to receive joy from my children. If I could have just changed the way I saw what was happening in the dining room, the outcome surely would have been different. If I could have stopped in that moment and seen the love, and joy, I could have been a part of it!

Check, another lesson learned!

Starting fresh I really want to make a request, that if you ever read my blog, that you comment, share, make suggestions, join in conversation, follow me... I would love to hear your stories, I would love to hear your suggestions, so please help me with this. If this blog site isn't easy to maneuver, tell me, if you want to hear about something, tell me, if you want to share a story or a recipe, tell me. We are all in the life thing together, and we all need, help, we all need support, we all share laughter and tears and all it brings. I hope to hear from you!

So what are you waiting for?

Disclosure: What I'm writing about is in no way meant to judge, condemn or make anyone feel guilty. It's simply a plea to all of us, myself included, to look around and do something about we have so easily ignored, to stop waiting for this imaginary green light and just go.

Turn on one of the many news channels and you'll likely hear plenty of stories about terrorism, wars, sex scandals, murders, reports of a bad economy and so on.... What I'm betting you wont' hear about is the teenager that died of an overdose, or the one, that at the age of 14, is struggling with addiction. You probably won't hear about the teen girl struggling with a severe eating disorder, or the one mutilating their body to numb the pain. I could keep going on about the issues that today's teens are struggling with, but I'm pretty sure whether you admit it or not, you are very aware of the issues these kids face.

If these things that are happening all around you, don't disturb you, I challenge you to open your eyes, and your heart.

How easy it is to blame our school systems, or "bad parents", or media for the state of our youth. How easy it is to point fingers, and place blame and shake our heads, asking what are they going to do to fix this.

I have a better question... What are YOU going to do? What am I going to do? This isn't a question of who, just look around and you'll see, it's not a question of why, because that's so obvious, and it's not a question of when, because the answer is now.

I don't know the answer to that question for you, I can only answer it for me. What I do know is that we have to stop waiting around for the green light, we have to stop waiting for the answer. If you're waiting for God to show you or tell you, then you can stop, He already has!

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

John 15:17 These things I command you, that you love one another

1 John 3:16-19 This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possession and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence.

Love is Gods greatest command, and it requires more than words. It requires action, you can't truly love like Christ loved without doing something. He's asked us to love, that's the answer, love.

Here's the thing... These teenagers are dying, they may be your children, your neighbors, your friends children, the kids at your church... They may not be any of those, maybe their the kid that bags your groceries, the kid that takes your order at your favorite restaurant, the kid sitting behind your local theatre every night with nowhere else to go. They are dying, we are losing them... because we aren't loving them.

There isn't time to sit and wait, there isn't time to wonder what went wrong, to place blame, or to question who will fix it. How many have I passed by because I was just too busy, or because I didn't know what to do? How many opportunities to love have I missed?

What are you waiting for? What am I waiting for?

My challenge for all of us is simple...It's to simply love. 

What I am to my children is far more than I am capable of being.

 Have you ever thought, "I can't be what/who they need me to be"? I would imagine that if you are really honest about this, your answer will surely be a yes. I think this quite often, along with many other questions about being "good enough" for my children. Every once in a while, it hits me again that my kids will see God through my eyes, and usually rather than encourage me, it causes me to feel guilty about not showing them enough of Gods love.

These past few weeks, our lives have been overwhelming, hectic, emotional... We have a new baby due in June, we have to be moved out of our house by the end of this month, we have renovations to finish in the home we are moving into, behavior problems with a child/children, school to figure out for one child... and the list goes on. Now, none of this is anything terribly crazy, and really most of it are blessings, just all of it together has been really stressful. When life gets like this, the children are generally the ones that get the brunt of all the stress, which can increase the already existing behavior problems we are having.

This weekend Ray has been away with the youth group, and I have been home with the kids, and house decisions, and school decisions.... and of course, all of it is times 10 because of being pregnant. And yes, my children have absolutely gotten the brunt of all this, and I have had much less patience. This afternoon and this evening, we had a really good time, we sang, we danced, we had a light saber fight, we ate together, we had fun! When it was time for bed, I got a little tense, because last night bed time didn't go so hot. I decided to let the older two lay with me in my bed while I put the baby to sleep.

While the baby fell asleep in my one arm, the other two wrapped their arms around my other arm and were rubbing my hand on their faces. I put the baby in her room and laid in between the other two, we prayed and both had one arm wrapped around them. Rayanna always falls asleep so much faster, and as she drifted off, Julian asks, "Mom will you sing my favorite song, the drink from your cup song?" (The more I seek you, Kari Jobe) So I start singing and I look over at him and he has a huge smile on his face and then he asks, "Mom will you hold my hand while you sing?" So of course, I did... I started coughing and I thought, I should put on the video Ray and I used to watch... When Julian was a baby and I was pregnant and dealing with some health issues, we use to sit in bed with Julian and play a YouTube video that was a medley of the Kari Jobe versions of The More I Seek You and Pure.

I turned the video on, and I told Julian about the song and he says "I wish I remember all of that story, I only remember the song". He laid quietly listening and drifting off while I listened with tears running down my cheeks and thought about being able to go to God like it talks about in these songs. Then it hit me, what God is to me when I hear those words, that's what I am to Julian (and my other children), that's why this is his favorite song. He finds comfort in believing/knowing that I am those things for him, he/they find God through me (and Ray). 

If I could hang onto this every day, how drastically my parenting would change, how much stronger my love could be, how much more of Gods love my children would receive. They find Him in my eyes... What are my eyes saying, what are my actions saying, what are my words and my tone saying?  This is more than I am capable of, but how easy this is for my God!

What will I show my children, who will they see in me?

Here's the video, this is how my children see me, this is how I go to God...