Have I done enough?
This is the question that is flooding my mind these past few days. As I prepare to send my first child to kindergarten, I wonder about all the things I should have/could have done different. I'm going to assume that it's better to be asking this question, "have I done enough" now, as opposed to when he leaves for college. The question encompasses about a hundred other questions that I ask myself about my parenting.
I've always believed and known that each child is a precious gift, but up until recently I think I may have taken their lives for granted a bit. I haven't taken the time to remember that each life is such a miracle, and now that I've been reminded of this I want to embrace the miracles I have!
So now with one leaving me, I can't help but replay the past five years and wonder if I've done enough, if I've loved enough, hugged enough, played enough, laughed enough... I certainly can't turn back time, and don't really wish to, but I can be sure that while I may not have done enough in the past, I will do my best to do enough now. Loving each moment, laughing at every chance, hugging whenever arms are open, and making sure my babies know that they are a gift that I will celebrate daily!
Are we doing enough as parents, or are we so busy with life that we have forgotten how precious these gifts are?
Enjoying morning snuggles instead of kicking them out!
If you didn't already know, we recently found out that we were pregnant with our 4th baby... Exciting, and unexpected news, that brought us so much joy! (that is after we peeled ourselves off the floor from the initial shock) We always said we would have 4, but had recently decided that for right now, (meaning the next few years) 3 was more than enough. So needless to say, this came as a surprise, an amazing one that we embraced and were totally cool with.
Discussions had started about getting the clothes out, and cleaning up the baby toys, and finding a bigger house, and making a new schedule to juggle every ones stuff... The kids were excited, family and friends were excited. We were thrilled to share this milestone with the new friends/family that we've made in New York.
Everything would go just like it had before, ultrasounds, blood work, heart beats, boy/girl, baby center updates... until it didn't. This isn't right, this isn't how it goes, it's supposed to be smooth, no problems, no question, no concerns, just a baby, it's that simple... but it's not. So something we have watched others go through, but have never ourselves experienced, has just become a reality. Our baby is gone...
Why??? No this isn't happening, you can't do this to me!!! What did I do??? Why do you hate me so much??? These are my words to God, while I lie broken and soaked in tears on our living room floor... Screaming and yelling in anger, then crying and yelling at myself for being so selfish. How could I think these things, He really has blessed us! Talk about a roller coaster.... I had it out with God, and He wrapped me in His arms and covered me in His peace.
I woke up 2 mornings later, and knew that everything was okay, that no matter what, everything was going to be okay. It's sad, yes, but I'm amazed that all I had to do was allow myself to feel, and be totally broken before Him, and He lifted me up and filled me with a peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. My heart breaks for the moms I know that have experienced this over and over again, and my hope for them is that they too have been held by God and have felt the peace that only He can provide.
"As a child may cry out in pain even when sheltered in it's mother's arms, so we may sometimes know what it is to suffer even in the conscious presence of God" He is always present. I'm not sure where this is from, but my sweet sister Lea sent it to me.
While visiting family and friends in Delaware for the week, I made plans with an old friend in Pennsylvania. We always find it hard to make plans because between the 5 of our kids something always comes up with at least one of them. While we have good intentions to visit and spend time, rarely do we ever follow through... You would think this would make us distant with each other, not really being together or even talking as often as "friends" should.
That's not the case though, when we get together we have the most fun! We talk, we laugh, we yell at our kids, we let them swap sippy cups and juice boxes... It's just comfortable to be ourselves with each other, not filtering what we say or how we react, never feeling judged, no apologies, just being real. We have been friends since elementary school, and while we spent years apart not talking, once we reconnected it was kind of like we were just in elementary school!
Now I can't disclose the contents of our conversations, but I can say that I think we might possibly have the same brain. Laughing while finishing the obnoxious sentence the other started. What a great feeling to know that you're not the only crazy person... yes, if you're reading this I called you crazy!
Life brings us all different types of friends, some for a short period of time, others for life. The ones that come and go, you just learn to enjoy them while they are there and move on when it's time. The ones that are forever, while you may not talk as often, you just know that they will always be there, that you won't have to move on when it's time. Because no matter, where you go or how far you are, or how long it's been, you will always call them friend.
For me friday was and awesome day, I got to spend the day with 2 lifetime friends... So thankful I will always be able to call them friend, no matter where we go, how far apart we are, or how long it's been.
Here are two of them, taking turns with a juice box that didn't belong to either of them.
I haven't written in a few weeks and I'm fumbling with how to even start this... My brain is mush from vacation, I guess it's true, you do need a vacation after your vacation!
After a very busy few months, we took a vacation in Williamsburg Virginia for a week, just the five of us. We had an amazing time just being together, just being a family, whether it was hanging at the pool, or out and about.
The big "thing" we did for the kids was spend an entire day at Busch Gardens... Yes, an ENTIRE day at Busch Gardens with our 5 year old, 4 year old, and 15 month old! The kids had a blast, running from one ride to the next, stopping at all the water play areas on the way, meeting all the Sesame Street characters.
I so enjoyed seeing the joy this trip produced and loved experiencing it with them, but, and here is where we get really honest... it SUCKED! Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were having fun and all that but it sucked. It was 98 degrees and crazy humid, we were dripping with sweat, pushing all three kids in a stroller up and down the hills from one end of the park to another, passing all the "good" rides, not stopping for funnel cake and churros and all of the other typical Theme Park foods.
I mean really, when you're bringing children, especially young children, why do you still have to pay the expensive adult fee, it's not like you're going to take part in any of the offered activities. You can't get goodies because then the kids cry that you stopped walking, you can't get on rides, you can't watch the shows because the kids are scared of 4d shows...
Okay rant over, but really as this is all taking place I'm swarmed with memories of going to theme parks as a child. Memories of peeing my pants on a ride (after my mom begged me to use the bathroom before getting on), eating funnel cakes and fudge, my dad buying us over sized sweatshirts, my parents waiting at the bottom of the water slides, laughing and screaming... It was so much fun, and I don't remember what the experience was like for my parents. I'm coming to the conclusion that when we were younger their experience was similar to mine. Hot, sweaty, aching feet and back, tired, and I could go on and on.
They went anyway, even when we were young, they made a sacrifice, paid the outrageous prices, walked miles on end, sweated pounds off, not for themselves, but for us. It makes me look at other things, that I look at as a hassle, and inconvenience and realize that it's not about me. It's not about whether I enjoy walking a mile from the car to the water at the beach, and whether I enjoy following the three of them in different directions at the park, or whether I enjoy cleaning up playdoh bits, and globs of paint...
As their mom, it's a sacrifice I make, letting go of what I want or don't want, and just enjoy making memories with/for them. Allowing them to fully experience what life as a child has to offer, because... IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!
Whether I plan it or not, everyday they will make a memory, it's my responsibility to make sure the memory that they make is a good one.
My challenge to myself is to intentionally make 1 good memory every day with my children. To not just let the day go by, busy with life, but to stop everyday and make at least 1 good memory with them. My other goal/challenge is to change my thinking, so that it is no longer a sacrifice but just second nature.
So does anyone else struggle with this?
I've been thinking all week about what to write, pulling the laptop out, staring at it, closing it, putting it away, and waiting... I try to be really intentional about what I write, some are funny others more serious, but I'm always sure before I start typing, before I click publish. All week only one thing kept coming to mind when I sat to write, but honestly I wasn't too sure I wanted to write about it. So today, I'm deciding to just go ahead and do it, I'm pretty sure that I'm sure.
This will call for some back story, I will do my best to make it short... At our church, along side the driveway, there is a fence, on the other side of the fence there is an alley, and in the alley there are a lot of young people. In case you didn't catch it, they are right next to the church, on the other side of the fence. These young people are on the other side of the fence, they are broken, and while spending most of their days and nights right next to a church, they really have no idea who or what God is. So instead of turning to a God they don't know, they spend their lives drinking and using drugs, seeking but never finding. I should clarify that these young people vary in age, from 14- 22 more or less.
Ray and his friend Mike (the worship pastor) became almost desperate to reach these kids. They would talk, then Ray and I would talk, and we all kept trying to come up with some "plan", but there couldn't really be a plan. The conclusion was to just do it, to just go over to the fence and show them Gods love. Now this didn't mean, tell them about God, invite them to church, give them a track... It just meant to love them, to show them a love that they had no idea existed, a love they have never seen, a love they have never experienced, a love that only comes from God.
So Ray and Mike started going over there during the day, the kids were scared, they thought they were cops! They kept going over, just hanging out, having fun, and then decided it was time to bring over some kids from youth group. The questions were now are they ready, are the youth group kids ready, are the "fence kids" ready? Will it go ok? Will we scare them off? Will it be awkward? It really didn't matter what we did, what was taught, how we "prepared" them. Neither side would ever be "ready", so one night we just opened up the doors to that side of the church, and gave the teens boxes of pizza, and sent them to the fence. They went over and gave them pizza, and drinks, and chips, some of them stayed and talked, some just delivered the food and came back. All of it was uncomfortable, but God doesn't call us to be comfortable does he?
After a few weeks some of the teens would just automatically go out there and talk, and just one at a time, kids would come from the other side of the fence. So last week we decided to have a big cook out in the driveway, for the "youth group kids" and the "fence kids". For the first 2 hours, we were giving most of the kids food over the fence, the kids on both sides not sure whether to cross the fence.
I decided to go over and talk to a couple of girls that were staying pretty secluded, so we were just talking and the one girl looks at me and says "Why are you here?" So here's the conversation.
Me: What do you mean?
Girl: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I where?
Girl: Why are you guys coming over here?
Me: Why not
Girl:We do like, ya know, bad stuff.
Me: Like what?
Girl: Drinking, drugs... we aren't "good"
Me: What is good?
Girl: Well, like they are (pointing to youth group kids) good
Me: Really? Just because they don't use drugs or alcohol doesn't make them good.
Girl: Ok, so why are you here?
Me: Just to show you guys a little love, just to hang out...
Girl: Really? Us?
Me: Yep
Girl: Alright, that's cool.
I know this was long and seemingly unecessary, but I needed to tell you the conversation to get to the point. She was saying that they weren't good enough, that they didn't deserve what we were trying to offer. And to be honest, I know that some of the teens on the "church side" of the fence didn't think that they deserved it either, or that they were good enough. I'm pretty sure they feel very differently about it now, after realizing that they are just like them, they have some of the same issues, same struggles, listen to the same music... the difference is, (like Ray said last night) we know God, they don't.
So really, I'm not good enough, the "church side" isn't good enough, the "fence kids" aren't good enough, and yes in case you were wondering, you aren't good enough either. But!!!! Thankfully, we all have the oppurtunity, whether we know it yet or not, to be loved by an amazing God, that could care less whether we are good enough or not.
On Thursday morning, the city dug up the back ally due to some sewage issues, and the "fence kids" had nowhere to hang out. Actually that's not true, I did hear one girl say they had a hang out spot down the street, but they didn't go... they came over onto "our side" and sat on the sidewalk and hung out with all of us. They didn't go into church, nobody talked about God, but could it be that maybe they are starting to see, that we are really all the same, none of us good enough, none of us deserving of the sacrifice the Christ made? Maybe they are starting to see that even though we aren't good enough, and we are the same, that there is still something different?
All it is, is Gods love, we didn't do anything special, we aren't anything special, it's just Gods love in us.
So before we decide that others aren't good enough for Gods love, we need to check ourselves, because last I checked, I wasn't good enough for it either.
Yesterday I had a really hard time using self control and I was beyond frustrated with the kids, repeating myself multiple times and then eventually yelling at them. I was so upset that they were unable to use self control, that I in turn didn't use self control.
Let's be honest, I didn't yell at them... I screamed at them. While I was screaming, I was inside myself saying "Julie stop, why are you screaming..." All the while, I've allowed myself to get so angry that I'm still yelling, spewing my anger onto and into them. I never said anything hurtful to them, but it was how I said what I said, how I reacted to them. It was not with respect, it was not life giving, it was not administering peace, and it certainly did not "fix" the situation.
This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I HATE myself when and after I've screamed. Inside, screaming at myself, "what is wrong with you, how could you, you're a terrible mother, you're ruining them". The truth of it is, screaming is something that I have been battling with for years, even before I had children. It's how I learned to control things, by screaming, by being angry so that I could control my situation, my surroundings, and yes, the people around me. I thought I had it under control, and then I had kids...
(That's the problem... not only do I not want to control others, but I don't want to control my children. If I'm forever controlling them, then how will they ever learn how to control themselves. If I don't offer them choices, much like God gives us, then how will they ever learn how to make responsible decisions, know that the choice they make will either have consequences or benefits.)
I've been working on it very hard within this past year, and have made some great strides. It's hard when I slip up and scream to not feel defeated, but it's a work in progress, I can't perfect something overnight that is so ingrained in me. Since I have been working on it, my relationship with my children has changed drastically, I see them differently, they see me differently, I see my Heavenly Father differently. I even had the word "grace" tattooed on the inside of my right wrist, as a constant reminder of the undeserved grace and mercy that I'm given daily by God, as a reminder to give my children grace daily.
I've always thought that I'm the only crazy person that struggles with screaming, and that I was in this battle alone fighting for my motherhood, fighting myself for my children... I've recently found in speaking to other moms, that I'm actually not the "only one". I've been shocked to find that there are in fact, lots of other mothers that are struggling with this. These women, are distraught, hating themselves, feeling like they are destroying their children, and not doing anything about it, because they have no idea what to do. How shocked each one was when I revealed that I too have and still struggle with this... Their response "you seem so together", my response "LOL".
Through these conversations, I've been able to share my struggles, listen to others struggles and share what I'm doing to overcome them, and listening for new ways to handle things. I've also been able to tell these fellow mothers that no matter how hard I tried to change, and to stop what I was doing, I couldn't until I stopped trying to be in control, and I gave God control. I didn't do this once, I've had to do it daily, before my feet hit the floor, give my control to the God, I've had to do it multiple time daily.
If this is you, or something you struggle with, know that you're not alone, that you're not crazy! But also know that you can't change this alone, it takes giving up control, allowing God to reign. It takes serious hard work, constant reminders of Gods grace, it's not perfect, it won't ever be perfect. Being a mom isn't about perfection, it's beautiful, and it's full of flaws, but it is about grace, joy, patience, compassion, forgiveness, guidance, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...
Two books that I've been reading, that have helped me tremendously are Running into Water- Women Immersed In the Pursuit Of God by Angela Blycker, and Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. Again, these alone won't help, I had to be willing to make the changes, willing to give up control. Today is a new day for me, for my children, today I face my struggle, giving God control, accepting His grace, and giving it to my precious children in return.
"Pity emphasizes the distance between people. No relationship is possible when one person pities another. Compassion, on the other hand, is a commitment between the helper and the needy that is based on relationship. Compassion requires intimacy" -Jo Ann Lyons
"If we believe in this compassionate God and accept how he looks at and redeems vagabonds out of his great kindness, then, and only then, can we look at others -even at our own children- with this sort of compassion and not burn out"- Angela Blycker
"It is crucial that when your children look into your eyes, regardless of the circumstances bearing down on them, what they see is someone that believes in them. (Romans 4:17 You have the power to call those things which do not exist as though they did) But that same power causes devastation when a child encounters an angry, irresponsibly mouthed parent. That is death to the heart and vision of a child" -Danny Silk
What do my children see when they look into my eyes? What do your children see when they look into your eyes?
Remember, you're not alone!
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All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you." Wayne Dyer
When things don't go as planned, or when they go wrong, the first thing that most of us do is start searching for someone else to blame. It's much easier to place the blame on others rather than accept the blame ourselves or just let it go. Blame can be a scary thing, it allows us to never accept responsibility for our own actions, for our mistakes, and ultimately for ourselves.
"The search for someone to blame is always successful" Robert Half
Isn't this so true? It wasn't our fault when we got fired, it's not our fault that our children are disrespectful, it's not our fault we are overweight, it's not our fault they don't talk to us, it's not our fault the house isn't clean.... The list goes on and on, things that aren't our fault, reasons why it happened, other people that are to blame, never looking at ourselves, never looking within.
I recently had the opportunity, to be on the outside looking in on a situation where this game was taking place. You know the game, "the blame game", oh what a fun game to play! It didn't matter what the other person did or said, it was their fault, every situation they faced with the other person, it was always their fault. The one continuing to place the blame, turning every conversation, disagreement, and problem onto the other. To look from the outside in, I thought how sad it is that "the blamer" is disabled from moving forward in their life because of the continuous blame being placed on others. Never accepting responsibility, never acknowledging the underlying issue, never letting go of control long enough to recognize the damage they are doing. In turn, never dealing with their own heart issue that has made this game so easy for them to play.
I've played this game, played it very well... Unable to deal with the real issues, too hurt to recognize that the real issue started with me, with my heart. Everything in my life was wrong and there was ALWAYS someone else to blame. I thank God for opening my eyes, for allowing me to come to the place I did when I realized that I had nobody left to blame, the only person I could point the finger at was myself.
"When you blame others, you give up your power to change" Dr. Robert Anthony
Confession: I couldn't change myself, I couldn't even allow God to change me because I was too busy blaming everyone else. If I can't admit my faults, then I can't release them to God, and allow Him to work on my heart.
Who or what are you blaming today? Have you been stuck in a place of not understanding why you can't change, why God "can't" change you?
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