Equipping my kids, with what????

I pick my older two, ages 6 and 7, up from the bus stop every day. Almost immediately the stories begin, the drama of kindergarten and first grade is unreal! Stories filled with laughter and silly gestures, stories of students bullying, stories of teachers bullying. Some told with smiles and giggles, flushed cheeks as they mention their "crush", some told with tears pouring down their faces, eyes begging please don't send me back, stories told sheepishly as they fear getting in trouble for the mischief they caused at school. Everyday it's something new, I never know how to prepare myself, I just have to get my game face straight before I get them. I try not to give away what I'm thinking as they fill the van with their chatter about the day.

I have to wonder at times, "Am I doing this right? Am I preparing them properly? What tools do they still need? Am I properly equipping them?"  Who/what do I want them to be, how do I want them to behave and react/respond to their surroundings?

I'm finding more and more everyday that some of these questions really don't and can't have an etched in stone answer. I can't decide these things for them, I can't tell them who they'll be, I can't control how they react/respond! Don't get me wrong, I want to, every controlling part of my being is bursting at it's seams just dying to jump out of my skin and tell them exactly who they will be and how they will behave! All I can do is equip them, and pray for them. Then the question is "Equip them with what?" I imagine it's different for each...

So now it's onto trying to answer that question. I can't control who they become, but I do have some say in what type of person they turn out to be! So as I sit tonight, tucking each one in, I ponder, what do I need to equip these little people with? Compassion, empathy, love, kindness, grace, courage, selflessness, boldness, strength... I don't know, maybe there is more, but this is my list, this is it for now...

I want them to be open to others, bold enough to stand up for those who can't and to stand firm in what they believe. I want them to feel what others feel, so that they can provide for them what they need, I want them to be strong enough to stand up when they get knocked down, kind enough to love when they feel unloved. I want them to have courage to be different, to go beyond the limits that the world sets on their lives. I want them to be selfless, remembering and believing that it's not about us, or them. I want them to be willing to live a life that may look different, and to find joy in every bit of it.

Maybe this sounds crazy, and you're thinking they are only 6 and 7! My response, I am amazed daily, when they get off that bus and fill our mini van with their stories. I am amazed how perceptive they are, I'm amazed at how much they understand, I am blown away at how much, at 6 and 7, that they are exposed to, the pain they see, the hurt they feel. They understand brokenness, they see that pain in others. I believe they can learn now how to respond to that, they already show a lot of the things on my list. I just need to water that plant, prune the leaves, give it light, keep it warm, allow it to grow...

I would so much rather do this now... Can you imagine, 16 years old and all of a sudden your child is hit with the shock of a life time, a pill too hard for some to swallow. It's not all about them, Gasp.....

I may do a lot wrong in this parenting thing, we all do, but this is one area I REALLY want to get right!

Trapped

Have you ever watch the Discovery Channel, particularly one of the specials on lions? You know, the ones that you think are educational for your 6 year old until they start mating on film? Oh, that hasn't happened to you? Well, wish I could say the same! Along with the mating scene, they always show the lions feeding, they show the whole process.

The pack of female lions, stalk their prey, watching, waiting, I imagine they lay there salivating, just patiently waiting for the perfect moment, watching for the easiest prey. Then, when the moment has arrived they dart out from all different hiding places in the tall, yellow, grass, charging towards the prey, coming at it from all different directions. The gazelle desperately trying to find salvation, darting to the left, then right, it turns to run back, looking for somewhere safe... But you can see it in the gazelles eyes, in it's body movements when it realizes it's trapped, when it then accepts defeat.

I'm a mother, of four, and I'm lots of other things too, one of those things is... a gazelle. Yep, you read that right, I'm a gazelle.  Have you caught on yet? Some of you are like, "Yo, what is this chick on???", and some of you know exactly what I'm saying!

I love, and adore my children, so much so that sometimes it hurts, but some days I feel so trapped! I would be lying if I said that everything is awesome, (everything is cool when you're part of a team, oops sorry) some days are awesome, and some days are just normal, and some days I feel like the gazelle. I feel trapped, like they are coming at me from all angles, salivating, ready to pounce, and no matter what I do or how hard I try I'm trapped, defeated...

There were times when I would be ashamed for feeling this, not wanting to tell anyone, feeling like a horrible mother for feeling trapped by my own children. I don't anymore, I know that it's okay, and that feeling trapped doesn't make me a terrible mom, or a bad person. It reminds me to be more than a mom, not just for myself but for my children. It gives me courage to be more, to be better. They see me cower, but they then see me rise.

See, unlike the gazelle that is then devoured by her stalker, I'm not really trapped, it's a mental, emotional state, and I'm capable of defeating it. Being a mom is amazing, but sometimes it is just overwhelming, all the roles you have to play, all the faces you have to wear.

Today, remember, YOU ARE AWESOME! You are not perfect, never will be, but you are awesome. You are awesome because you love, because you comfort, you dry tears, you wipe boogies, and wash butts, and kiss snotty faces, and you live as an example, you teach, you guide, you do so much more. Don't forget all you are, don't get caught up in the mistakes, in the moments you lose it, in the failures...

Talk to someone about your struggles, and your triumphs, let another know they're not alone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it means a lot, and hopefully it strikes a chord with some.