Have I done enough?
This is the question that is flooding my mind these past few days. As I prepare to send my first child to kindergarten, I wonder about all the things I should have/could have done different. I'm going to assume that it's better to be asking this question, "have I done enough" now, as opposed to when he leaves for college. The question encompasses about a hundred other questions that I ask myself about my parenting.
I've always believed and known that each child is a precious gift, but up until recently I think I may have taken their lives for granted a bit. I haven't taken the time to remember that each life is such a miracle, and now that I've been reminded of this I want to embrace the miracles I have!
So now with one leaving me, I can't help but replay the past five years and wonder if I've done enough, if I've loved enough, hugged enough, played enough, laughed enough... I certainly can't turn back time, and don't really wish to, but I can be sure that while I may not have done enough in the past, I will do my best to do enough now. Loving each moment, laughing at every chance, hugging whenever arms are open, and making sure my babies know that they are a gift that I will celebrate daily!
Are we doing enough as parents, or are we so busy with life that we have forgotten how precious these gifts are?
Enjoying morning snuggles instead of kicking them out!
If you didn't already know, we recently found out that we were pregnant with our 4th baby... Exciting, and unexpected news, that brought us so much joy! (that is after we peeled ourselves off the floor from the initial shock) We always said we would have 4, but had recently decided that for right now, (meaning the next few years) 3 was more than enough. So needless to say, this came as a surprise, an amazing one that we embraced and were totally cool with.
Discussions had started about getting the clothes out, and cleaning up the baby toys, and finding a bigger house, and making a new schedule to juggle every ones stuff... The kids were excited, family and friends were excited. We were thrilled to share this milestone with the new friends/family that we've made in New York.
Everything would go just like it had before, ultrasounds, blood work, heart beats, boy/girl, baby center updates... until it didn't. This isn't right, this isn't how it goes, it's supposed to be smooth, no problems, no question, no concerns, just a baby, it's that simple... but it's not. So something we have watched others go through, but have never ourselves experienced, has just become a reality. Our baby is gone...
Why??? No this isn't happening, you can't do this to me!!! What did I do??? Why do you hate me so much??? These are my words to God, while I lie broken and soaked in tears on our living room floor... Screaming and yelling in anger, then crying and yelling at myself for being so selfish. How could I think these things, He really has blessed us! Talk about a roller coaster.... I had it out with God, and He wrapped me in His arms and covered me in His peace.
I woke up 2 mornings later, and knew that everything was okay, that no matter what, everything was going to be okay. It's sad, yes, but I'm amazed that all I had to do was allow myself to feel, and be totally broken before Him, and He lifted me up and filled me with a peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. My heart breaks for the moms I know that have experienced this over and over again, and my hope for them is that they too have been held by God and have felt the peace that only He can provide.
"As a child may cry out in pain even when sheltered in it's mother's arms, so we may sometimes know what it is to suffer even in the conscious presence of God" He is always present. I'm not sure where this is from, but my sweet sister Lea sent it to me.
While visiting family and friends in Delaware for the week, I made plans with an old friend in Pennsylvania. We always find it hard to make plans because between the 5 of our kids something always comes up with at least one of them. While we have good intentions to visit and spend time, rarely do we ever follow through... You would think this would make us distant with each other, not really being together or even talking as often as "friends" should.
That's not the case though, when we get together we have the most fun! We talk, we laugh, we yell at our kids, we let them swap sippy cups and juice boxes... It's just comfortable to be ourselves with each other, not filtering what we say or how we react, never feeling judged, no apologies, just being real. We have been friends since elementary school, and while we spent years apart not talking, once we reconnected it was kind of like we were just in elementary school!
Now I can't disclose the contents of our conversations, but I can say that I think we might possibly have the same brain. Laughing while finishing the obnoxious sentence the other started. What a great feeling to know that you're not the only crazy person... yes, if you're reading this I called you crazy!
Life brings us all different types of friends, some for a short period of time, others for life. The ones that come and go, you just learn to enjoy them while they are there and move on when it's time. The ones that are forever, while you may not talk as often, you just know that they will always be there, that you won't have to move on when it's time. Because no matter, where you go or how far you are, or how long it's been, you will always call them friend.
For me friday was and awesome day, I got to spend the day with 2 lifetime friends... So thankful I will always be able to call them friend, no matter where we go, how far apart we are, or how long it's been.
Here are two of them, taking turns with a juice box that didn't belong to either of them.
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