Confession: Now I know His peace

If  you didn't already know, we recently found out that we were pregnant with our 4th baby... Exciting, and unexpected news, that brought us so much joy! (that is after we peeled ourselves off the floor from the initial shock) We always said we would have 4, but had recently decided that for right now, (meaning the next few years) 3 was more than enough. So needless to say, this came as a surprise, an amazing one that we embraced and were totally cool with.

Discussions had started about getting the clothes out, and cleaning up the baby toys, and finding a bigger house, and making a new schedule to juggle every ones stuff... The kids were excited, family and friends were excited. We were thrilled to share this milestone with the new friends/family that we've made in New York.

Everything would go just like it had before, ultrasounds, blood work, heart beats, boy/girl, baby center updates... until it didn't. This isn't right, this isn't how it goes, it's supposed to be smooth, no problems, no question, no concerns, just a baby, it's that simple... but it's not. So something we have watched others go through, but have never ourselves experienced, has just become a reality. Our baby is gone...

Why??? No this isn't happening, you can't do this to me!!! What did I do??? Why do you hate me so much???  These are my words to God, while I lie broken and soaked in tears on our living room floor... Screaming and yelling in anger, then crying and yelling at myself for being so selfish. How could I think these things, He really has blessed us! Talk about a roller coaster.... I had it out with God, and He wrapped me in His arms and covered me in His peace.

I woke up 2 mornings later, and knew that everything was okay, that no matter what, everything was going to be okay. It's sad, yes, but I'm amazed that all I had to do was allow myself to feel, and be totally broken before Him, and He lifted me up and filled me with a peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. My heart breaks for the moms I know that have experienced this over and over again, and my hope for them is that they too have been held by God and have felt the peace that only He can provide.

"As a child may cry out in pain even when sheltered in it's mother's arms, so we may sometimes know what it is to suffer even in the conscious presence of God" He is always present. I'm not sure where this is from, but my sweet sister Lea sent it to me.