Confession: Sometimes I yell at my kids

Yesterday I had a really hard time using self control and I was beyond frustrated with the kids, repeating myself multiple times and then eventually yelling at them. I was so upset that they were unable to use self control, that I in turn didn't use self control.


Let's be honest, I didn't yell at them... I screamed at them. While I was screaming, I was inside myself saying "Julie stop, why are you screaming..." All the while, I've allowed myself to get so angry that I'm still yelling, spewing my anger onto and into them. I never said anything hurtful to them, but it was how I said what I said, how I reacted to them. It was not with respect, it was not life giving, it was not administering peace, and it certainly did not "fix" the situation.


This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I HATE myself when and after I've screamed. Inside, screaming at myself, "what is wrong with you, how could you, you're a terrible mother, you're ruining them". The truth of it is, screaming is something that I have been battling with for years, even before I had children. It's how I learned to control things, by screaming, by being angry so that I could control my situation, my surroundings, and yes, the people around me.  I thought I had it under control, and then I had kids...


(That's the problem... not only do I not want to control others, but I don't want to control my children. If I'm forever controlling them, then how will they ever learn how to control themselves. If I don't offer them choices, much like God gives us, then how will they ever learn how to make responsible decisions, know that the choice they make will either have consequences or benefits.)


 I've been working on it very hard within this past year, and have made some great strides. It's hard when I slip up and scream to not feel defeated, but it's a work in progress, I can't perfect something overnight that is so ingrained in me. Since I have been working on it, my relationship with my children has changed drastically, I see them differently, they see me differently, I see my Heavenly Father differently. I even had the word "grace" tattooed on the inside of my right wrist, as a constant reminder of the undeserved grace and mercy that I'm given daily by God, as a reminder to give my children grace daily.


I've always thought that I'm the only crazy person that struggles with screaming, and that I was in this battle alone fighting for my motherhood, fighting myself for my children... I've recently found in speaking to other moms, that I'm actually not the "only one". I've been shocked to find that there are in fact, lots of other mothers that are struggling with this. These women, are distraught, hating themselves, feeling like they are destroying their children, and not doing anything about it, because they have no idea what to do. How shocked each one was when I revealed that I too have and still struggle with this... Their response "you seem so together", my response "LOL".


Through these conversations, I've been able to share my struggles, listen to others struggles and share what I'm doing to overcome them, and listening for new ways to handle things. I've also been able to tell these fellow mothers that no matter how hard I tried to change, and to stop what I was doing, I couldn't until I stopped trying to be in control, and I gave God control. I didn't do this once, I've had to do it daily, before my feet hit the floor, give my control to the God, I've had to do it multiple time daily. 


If this is you, or something you struggle with, know that you're not alone, that you're not crazy! But also know that you can't change this alone, it takes giving up control, allowing God to reign. It takes serious hard work, constant reminders of Gods grace, it's not perfect, it won't ever be perfect. Being a mom isn't about perfection, it's beautiful, and it's full of flaws, but it is about grace, joy, patience, compassion, forgiveness, guidance, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...


Two books that I've been reading, that have helped me tremendously are Running into Water- Women Immersed In the Pursuit Of God by Angela Blycker, and Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. Again, these alone won't help, I had to be willing to make the changes, willing to give up control.  Today is a new day for me, for my children, today I face my struggle, giving God control, accepting His grace, and giving it to my precious children in return.


"Pity emphasizes the distance between people. No relationship is possible when one person pities another. Compassion, on the other hand, is a commitment between the helper and the needy that is based on relationship. Compassion requires intimacy" -Jo Ann Lyons


"If we believe in this compassionate God and accept how he looks at and redeems vagabonds out of his great kindness, then, and only then, can we look at others -even at our own children- with this sort of compassion and not burn out"- Angela Blycker


"It is crucial that when your children look into your eyes, regardless of the circumstances bearing down on them, what they see is someone that believes in them. (Romans 4:17 You have the power to call those things which do not exist as though they did) But that same power causes devastation when a child encounters an angry, irresponsibly mouthed parent. That is death to the heart and vision of a child" -Danny Silk

What do my children see when they look into my eyes? What do your children see when they look into your eyes?


Remember, you're not alone!