What I am to my children is far more than I am capable of being.

 Have you ever thought, "I can't be what/who they need me to be"? I would imagine that if you are really honest about this, your answer will surely be a yes. I think this quite often, along with many other questions about being "good enough" for my children. Every once in a while, it hits me again that my kids will see God through my eyes, and usually rather than encourage me, it causes me to feel guilty about not showing them enough of Gods love.

These past few weeks, our lives have been overwhelming, hectic, emotional... We have a new baby due in June, we have to be moved out of our house by the end of this month, we have renovations to finish in the home we are moving into, behavior problems with a child/children, school to figure out for one child... and the list goes on. Now, none of this is anything terribly crazy, and really most of it are blessings, just all of it together has been really stressful. When life gets like this, the children are generally the ones that get the brunt of all the stress, which can increase the already existing behavior problems we are having.

This weekend Ray has been away with the youth group, and I have been home with the kids, and house decisions, and school decisions.... and of course, all of it is times 10 because of being pregnant. And yes, my children have absolutely gotten the brunt of all this, and I have had much less patience. This afternoon and this evening, we had a really good time, we sang, we danced, we had a light saber fight, we ate together, we had fun! When it was time for bed, I got a little tense, because last night bed time didn't go so hot. I decided to let the older two lay with me in my bed while I put the baby to sleep.

While the baby fell asleep in my one arm, the other two wrapped their arms around my other arm and were rubbing my hand on their faces. I put the baby in her room and laid in between the other two, we prayed and both had one arm wrapped around them. Rayanna always falls asleep so much faster, and as she drifted off, Julian asks, "Mom will you sing my favorite song, the drink from your cup song?" (The more I seek you, Kari Jobe) So I start singing and I look over at him and he has a huge smile on his face and then he asks, "Mom will you hold my hand while you sing?" So of course, I did... I started coughing and I thought, I should put on the video Ray and I used to watch... When Julian was a baby and I was pregnant and dealing with some health issues, we use to sit in bed with Julian and play a YouTube video that was a medley of the Kari Jobe versions of The More I Seek You and Pure.

I turned the video on, and I told Julian about the song and he says "I wish I remember all of that story, I only remember the song". He laid quietly listening and drifting off while I listened with tears running down my cheeks and thought about being able to go to God like it talks about in these songs. Then it hit me, what God is to me when I hear those words, that's what I am to Julian (and my other children), that's why this is his favorite song. He finds comfort in believing/knowing that I am those things for him, he/they find God through me (and Ray). 

If I could hang onto this every day, how drastically my parenting would change, how much stronger my love could be, how much more of Gods love my children would receive. They find Him in my eyes... What are my eyes saying, what are my actions saying, what are my words and my tone saying?  This is more than I am capable of, but how easy this is for my God!

What will I show my children, who will they see in me?

Here's the video, this is how my children see me, this is how I go to God...