Confession: Tonight I will be totally transparent

Before I write this, I want you all to know that this is strictly to share how God spoke to me, don't read it and feel bad for me and make compliments and all that junk.... I was having an incredibly OFF day and God gave me what I needed. No sympathy!

I'm always very honest, but tonight I will not hold anything back. I woke up this morning in a serious funk, it was one of those funks that was a long time coming, something small set me off, and the roller coaster began. I was crying on and off, remembering my father, remembering my failures, remembering all the times I've given up, looking at who I am today... It was so overwhelming, I was flooded with all of these emotions, out of nowhere! I could have worked them out, but I allowed them to defeat me, to take over my day.

Quiet the whole day, with minimal interactions with my children, I sulked. The thoughts just kept pouring in... I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, why did I quit school, why did I quit dancing, I wish I still sang, I shouldn't have quiet playing piano...I quit EVERYTHING! As soon as I recognize that I'm good at something, I quit... it's easier to quit than to be good and then fail.

Next up... I'm a terrible mother, I'm not patient enough, I expect too much, my babies don't care if I'm with them or not.  My husband really could have done better, and this just goes on and on and on.

ALL day I did this to myself, I was tired, overwhelmed, defeated, weary, confused, and angry. I needed rest, I needed peace, but I felt bad looking for it. I felt guilty for feeling like this, but my husband saw it, and he knew. He said take some time, and lay down...But I didn't...

I got on my sneakers and work out clothes, and for the first time in 12 years, I ran.

                      

Earphone in my ear, worship music on pandora, the breeze, the fresh air, my feet hitting the pavement, my arms moving forward and back, inhale, exhale, my hair tossing side to side... I was running again! Tears streamed, I felt joy but was still overwhelmed with all that I had felt during the day. Then a song comes on....

My Beloved   Kari Jobe

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your care down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

He loves me, He is my rest, He is my peace, He is my joy, He is my restorer. I always seem to forget this, when feeling overwhelmed I search for peace, for rest, and empty handed and defeated I am reminded that my rest will always come from Him.
It doesn't matter what my day was, and  it just so happens that this day in particular was filled with some crazy emotions and feelings and memories that I hadn't faced in a long time, but it could be on any day that I'm feeling busy, or overwhelmed. I will not find true rest until I rest in Him, until I allow Him to restore me, to mend me, to take it all from me.

Do you know that you are His beloved?

Confession: I'm not always the best Comforter

In our house, (and I'm sure it's the same for all you that have littles as well) sleep is very important, and very rare...at least a full nights sleep. Usually it's the baby that is up, but when she sleeps, one of the older two get up. It never fails, almost every single night somebody is up.

I stumble up the steps in the dark, lay the baby in her crib, walk to my room and crash. My pillow, my sheets, the fan, my bed, sleep! Then I hear it, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, followed by terrifying screams. Off balance, half asleep, stumbling in the dark, and if I'm honest a little bit ticked that I'm being woken up, I run into the room. Me: What?! What's wrong?! Why are you up?! Child: I'm scared, I had a bad dream again, I see shadows, I can't sleep... (Now my initial reaction in my head is to say go back to sleep and stop crying) Me: Ok, let's pray about it, (we pray) mommy loves you, you should go back to sleep now, Jesus is always with you.

I stumble back through the dark hall, and plop back into my bed, as I start to fade, Mommy!!!! Now I'm fuming and I want nothing to do with being a kind, sensitive, comforting mom right now... I just want to sleep! But I don't, there is no stumbling this time because now I'm wide awake, I go in and repeat the process, but it's not working. So I lay in the bed with them, rubbing their back, singing, praying, and then just laying with them. About 30 minutes go by, and I get up and go back to my bed, and before I even plop on my bed, Mommy!!! AAAAHHHHHH You have got to be kidding me?? This isn't really happening right now, I have to sleep, I have stuff to do tomorrow...

I walk, with heavy feet, (maybe it's called stomping) into the room and harshly say, I need to sleep, this has got to stop. They look at me crying, but mom I'm scared, crying, and frightened looking to me for comfort.

Like a punch in the gut, my breath is taken away as it hits me. How often I cry out to God for comfort, how often I just need Him to hold me and tell me it's ok, and EVERY single time He does. He doesn't tell me He's too busy, and that He has the whole world to take care of. He's never harsh, He never even has a second thought. I'm His child, and He loves me, He is my comfort, He is my father.

So my conclusion is that my husband, their father, is the one that should be getting up with them, right??? Just kidding

I'm supposed to be that for my kids, they are my children, I love them, I'm their comforter, I'm their mother. How dare I think for a second that anything else is more important than comforting my children when they are hurt, scared, sad... I want to love my kids, like my Heavenly Father loves me. I know it won't be perfect, because I'm not, but I will make it my mission  that if my children know nothing else, they know I love them.

I am their comforter. Confession: I'm not always good at it!

Confession: I'm not numb anymore, I'm not sure I like this....

Numb: emotionally unresponsive, indifferent

Hurt, angry, sad, and confused, I allowed myself to become numb... The numbness was often times mistaken by myself and others as strength, but to be strong is something very different.

Strength: moral power, firmness, or courage

I would have been strong if I had faced these things head on, lifted my head up, allowed God to pour out His grace on me, dealt with the struggle...

But I didn't, at least not for a long time, I was simply numb. I couldn't feel hurt, sadness, defeat... I only felt anger. Emotionally unaffected by death, tragedy, illness, sorrow, and pain, not just my own but others as well.

For years, I mistook my numbness for strength, being harsh and cold towards others. Looking down at them for the emotional response to their own sorrows and tragedies. I can recall saying things like, "So, people die every day... others have it so much worse... just get over it." I was numb...

Until I wasn't... To feel for the first time in years, how overwhelming... to not only feel what I was in at that moment, but to feel what I had suppressed for years before. The tingling in my face, the heat on the back of my neck, the flopping of my belly, the lump in my throat, the aching of my heart... and yes the tears streaming down my face. What is this? What's wrong with me? Stop Julie!!! You're strong, you don't cry, (and certainly not around other people) pick yourself up, get a hold of yourself, this is silly, just get over this!!!

What caused this? I was finally able to forgive, and when I forgave others, and accepted Gods forgiveness, I opened myself up... Not expecting to feel what I felt, not realizing that all this time I hadn't allowed myself to feel, not knowing that my strength was actually numbness.

How hard it was at first...to get used to "feeling". What do you do with these "things", where do I leave them, how do I stop them, when will they go away???  This is when I learned about Gods comfort, I learned that not matter how hard it was to feel, the comfort that God gave surpassed anything and everything else... Yes, it was better than being numb.

Sometimes we forget about all the things He gives us, forgiveness, grace, comfort, peace, joy... LOVE!!! Sometimes we can let the business of our lives get in the way of just simply feeling....

I was reminded of this yesterday, when I tried so hard to not allow myself to feel the aching of my heart, for someone else's loss. I tried to be numb, but instead I felt...
The back of my neck got hot, my face started to tingle, my stomach was jumping, I had the lump in my throat, and then it came, the tears came....

It seems so much easier to just be numb, but how incredible our mighty God is to be able to reach down and comfort us and those who are truly in need of His comfort... To pour His, peace, and grace on us, and remind us of His love.

Confession: I think I would rather feel, but it would be easier to be numb...

Confession: I HATE cleaning!

I really don't like cleaning, there is not a bone in my body that even slightly enjoys it. I do enjoy the finished product, and I could never not do it, but it's no fun for me. I know people that LOVE cleaning, it's just something they enjoy doing...and that's cool... for them! Now, even though I don't like cleaning, I do it often, daily... I can't function in clutter, and I like to have a clean house.

I also ask that my kids clean up their messes, and help clear their dishes from the table... Now this is a battle, and I can get so frustrated, thinking "why do I have to go through this almost every time I ask them to clean???" They just don't want to do it, they want nothing to do with it... sound familiar? Why yes, yes it does... I just said the same thing about myself!

Why has it taken me so long to realize that I shouldn't expect them to enjoy doing something that I don't want to do either.... If I don't want to clean, why would I think they would want to.  So I give them something for helping me clean, or pick up their toys... some people will disagree, saying I should just ask them to do it and they should listen. Well, I came to the realization that when I'm cleaning, my focus is what I get to do afterwards... have a cookie, a cup of hot tea, snuggle the kids, read, dance... There is always a reward, so if a 30 year old woman needs an incentive for cleaning why wouldn't a 4 and 5 year old??

Then I think some more and realize how many other things I could apply this thought process to. When my kids get angry, they may cry, yell, throw a fit... and I may explain, that this is unacceptable. Really??? Because I'm pretty sure I do the same thing when I'm angry, it may not look exactly the same but that's to be expected, I am 25 years older than they are!! I could keep going, using a lot of different scenarios, but I think you get the point.

Before I ask my babies to do something, or expect something of them, I need to put myself in their shoes... Am I asking too much, am I expecting too much, and how can I make this smoother for them?

So my confession is, sometimes (or a lot of times) I expect/ask too much from my children... forgetting how hard it is as an adult to live life, and expecting them (as children) to manage it better than I do as an adult.

Are there any children, teenagers, or even adults in your life that you are asking/expecting too much of?

All we get is one day????

This one is for all the mothers out there that are/or have been up to there elbows in poop, covered from neck to waist in vomit, brow to chin in tears (your own), head to toe in snot... and the list goes on and on and on....

And wait here is the best part... We only get one flipping day!!!! Yeah I said it... I know you all think it... We all say, oh we do it because we love them (which is true), oh it's the most rewarding job, oh we don't need any recognition, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... Hahaha, okay so those things are true, to an extent, but still....

All joking aside, being a mom is so rewarding, but it is sooooo exhausting! Whether you work outside of the home, or you stay home with your kids (which is WORK) it is an exhausting job.... It takes all your energy, it's physical, emotional, spiritual...

You have this human being that you've been entrusted with, that's a big responsibility, it's a hard thing to do. So you take the step, you decide to do it, to be a mom, and you're excited, and anxious, and scared and thrilled!

Now you're a mom, and you're like, Oh crap, what do I do now??? Why are they crying, what do they need, what's this green stuff, what's this rash, where's that paci, breast or bottle, when will I sleep, where did all my money go??? And then... all the "supportive" people in your life decide that it's their job to tell you how to raise this child, what's the right thing to do, which diapers to buy, breast is best, formula is better, A&D versus Balmex, Dr. Brown's versus Playtex, attachment or not, cry it out or comfort, moby versus mei tai.... No matter what you do, you will be wrong to someone!

But wait, aren't you the one this child will call mama? Aren't you the one that feeds, changes, comforts, LOVES???

My way is better, she shouldn't be doing that, I can't believe she spanks, if that were my child, poor babies, she needs to discipline them more, I can't believe she's still nursing, I can't believe she's not nursing....

Have you heard any of these, or thought/said any of these before? I have! I don't know about you, but I want to make other moms know how awesome they are! Whatever way they decided to do it, whether it's how I do it or not, the point is that they are doing it!!!

So let's try to lift each other up, offer advice not give orders, see in others eyes and not pass judgement, encourage each other, celebrate each others motherhood all the time!!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY not just today, but everyday that you are on this FUN journey called motherhood.

Confession: I don't strive for perfection..

Confession: I don't strive for perfection

Here it goes.... I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I know, I know, this is a huge shock for those of you who know me!!! HAHAHAHA Totally joking... Wait there's more, Your not perfect either!!! I know your dealing with some serious shock right now... take a minute, just breathe........ Okay are your ready now??? If so, keep reading and please don't hate me too much  ;)

I know society tells us to strive for perfection, do more, be more, be better, be greater... And while I don't disagree with doing your best, and not settling for less than God created you to be, I do disagree with striving for perfection...  I don't want to be perfect, I don't want my kids to be perfect.... I don't want to get stuck in an impossible journey to perfection.... This probably seems really silly, you guys are like this chick is off her rocker, and her poor babies!!!

I wasn't made to be perfect, none of us were. If we were perfect, we couldn't possibly realize how much we need our Creator. Not being perfect, making mistakes, even failing, reminds me how much I need Jesus, it reminds me that He created me to want Him, to seek Him, to find Him. It's my daily struggles that are constant reminders of how much I need Him in my life.

Embrace your imperfections and use them as reminders of how much you need Him. Be who He created you to be without going on an impossible journey to perfection!!!

If you are reading this and you don't know who He is, and what He created you for, I would challenge you to find out... Search for Him, and enjoy the journey to finding the Perfect God that created you so beautifully imperfect!

Confession: I am not a judge

                               Confession: I am not a judge

I really make a conscious effort to not judge others, and I have to say that I generally do a pretty good job at not judging... But I found myself judging a group of women this week. The ironic part... I was judging them for judging me.

Sweaty palms, shortness of breath, slightly blurry vision... a full blown anxiety attack.... driving Julian for his kindergarten screening! We get out of the car and I bend down and pray with him before we walk into the school. I'm reassuring him that it's going to be awesome, meanwhile in my head... You can do this Julie, he won't have your experience, you can walk in there, your an adult, pull it together, all the other moms will be just like you...

Head held high, smile on my face, Julian's hand in mine, I walk through the school door with confidence, I sign us in and proceed down the hall. I turn the corner and see the table that we are heading for, I see the chairs lined against the walls, and I see the women sitting in the chairs. I get closer and I now see that these moms are in fact, not just like me...

For starters, they all have about 10 years on me, some more. That's no big deal though, it's their faces that are different... they aren't smiling... I now see it all over their faces, a look I've seen plenty of times before. I'm not paranoid, I know the face, I've heard the comments that generally go along with that look... I'd like to say that I was just being paranoid.

The look says, "oh great... young girl, (to them I'm young) with a mixed child, he's probably a trouble maker, I'm sure she's not married, and if she is, he's probably not the father, well maybe he won't make it into my kids class."

I keep smiling, I will look past this, I will break their cold hard walls down, and then they will see how wrong they are... I check Julian in, nobody addresses me, only him, and they take him back for his screening. I look for a seat, find one and sit down with a smile. All the women look away now and return to their conversations. Eventually a woman sits next to me, and we do chat for a bit. She attempts to introduce me to some of the other moms and tells me all of their PTA rolls and responsibilities. Still, they do not acknowledge me and just talk to her.

I sit back with a smile, and listen, discussions of prestigious parties, and alcohol abuse, and affairs, and money.... all while waiting for their kindergartners to finish up. How could they judge me?!?! This is obnoxious, I can't believe I'm hearing this right now. Wow I can't believe they are openly talking about getting sloshed at "play dates" and planning their kids next outing, making sure it's somewhere they don't have to pay attention to them. Great moms...and they judge me because of the color of my kids skin, and my age.

I do consider the fact that I could be wrong, I really do try to make the best of it. Julian comes out, the teacher makes zero eye contact and walks away, I get up and tell the ladies it was "nice to meet them" (if that's what you call it) and the PTA president coldly says, "Bye now, good luck paying Seaford taxes" then snickers and walks away.

I was fuming, the back of my neck was tight, my forehead was wrinkled, I turned and walked away. Julian's hand in mine, smile on my face, we walked to the car and celebrated him for doing such a good job...

I told you this whole story, but none of it really matters.... It doesn't matter what they thought, it doesn't matter what they said, it doesn't matter what kind of faces they made...

My actions are what matter, my thoughts are what matter, I'm responsible for me, not them. I sat there angry, because I felt like they were judging me, and for an hour I listened to their conversations, and I judged them. I don't know them, I don't know their stories, I don't know their circumstances, and I sat there and judged them.

I was wrong, I was so very wrong... I am not a judge, I am not a prosecutor, it is not my place to condemn anyone, and as for what they think of me...well they aren't my judge either... I don't report to them, they won't be holding me accountable.

Grace= undeserved mercy

I'm daily given grace by God, something I don't deserve... Maybe they didn't deserve my grace, but I should have given it.

Next time I will, I will look down at my arm and see the tattoo on my wrist, grace...

Confession: Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I forget to give others grace. Thank God, he doesn't forget to give me grace daily!

Confession: Too much noise drives me insane!!!

 SHUT UP!!!

Okay, I know this is a jacked up heading but lets face it, we all have something that just really drives us crazy. For me.... it's noise, hands down  my biggest trigger for losing it!

Noise has always been hard for me, mostly because I have such a hard time focuing my thoughts without noise, then you add noise and that's it, I'm done.

Now that I only have one working ear it seems that noise is even more aggravating. It's like I can't filter anything, or tune it out. It just blares in my ear and no matter how hard I try, I can't focus on just one sound...

Music, however doesn't bother me... I love music, I have it playing in the house a good portion of the day, it calms me, unless I'm trying to have a conversation and then I just have to turn it off.

Right now, my son is playing playdoh and making some crazy noises and singing, my one daughter is singing/screaming and twirling around in a princess dress, and my other daughter is slamming a tambourine on the ground and yelling/laughing.. and I don't have any music playing right at this moment.

NOISE!!! It's just a bunch of awful noise that won't let me focus on anything I planned on doing... How many times have I said, "shhhh mommy needs you to just be quiet" or " just go upstairs, or go downstairs"?

Until I stop trying to finish my "to do list" and am just still. Until I settle myself and focus on the music. (No, not the music in my head, I'm not that crazy) How could I have missed this, how did I not hear this before????

It's not noise, it's music... their sweet voices, their joy, their imagination, their peace, their laughter....

How beautiful it sounds, what a gift to be able to hear them, and see them and hold them. How many times have I taken for granted the "noise" my kids make? How often have I stolen their joy so I can have a moment of "peace"?

This is my confession today, I get so caught up in my day to day "stuff" that I forget to stop and listen to the music. Whether it be the sound of passing cars, the waves crashing at the beach, the birds outside my window that start at 4 a.m. daily, the hum of people talking when I'm out, or the amazingly precious song that my children sing daily.

What have you been missing out on by allowing those "things" that drive you crazy, control your day?

I don't want to let the "noise" control my day, from now I on I will do my best to hear the music....