Confession: I'm not numb anymore, I'm not sure I like this....

Numb: emotionally unresponsive, indifferent

Hurt, angry, sad, and confused, I allowed myself to become numb... The numbness was often times mistaken by myself and others as strength, but to be strong is something very different.

Strength: moral power, firmness, or courage

I would have been strong if I had faced these things head on, lifted my head up, allowed God to pour out His grace on me, dealt with the struggle...

But I didn't, at least not for a long time, I was simply numb. I couldn't feel hurt, sadness, defeat... I only felt anger. Emotionally unaffected by death, tragedy, illness, sorrow, and pain, not just my own but others as well.

For years, I mistook my numbness for strength, being harsh and cold towards others. Looking down at them for the emotional response to their own sorrows and tragedies. I can recall saying things like, "So, people die every day... others have it so much worse... just get over it." I was numb...

Until I wasn't... To feel for the first time in years, how overwhelming... to not only feel what I was in at that moment, but to feel what I had suppressed for years before. The tingling in my face, the heat on the back of my neck, the flopping of my belly, the lump in my throat, the aching of my heart... and yes the tears streaming down my face. What is this? What's wrong with me? Stop Julie!!! You're strong, you don't cry, (and certainly not around other people) pick yourself up, get a hold of yourself, this is silly, just get over this!!!

What caused this? I was finally able to forgive, and when I forgave others, and accepted Gods forgiveness, I opened myself up... Not expecting to feel what I felt, not realizing that all this time I hadn't allowed myself to feel, not knowing that my strength was actually numbness.

How hard it was at first...to get used to "feeling". What do you do with these "things", where do I leave them, how do I stop them, when will they go away???  This is when I learned about Gods comfort, I learned that not matter how hard it was to feel, the comfort that God gave surpassed anything and everything else... Yes, it was better than being numb.

Sometimes we forget about all the things He gives us, forgiveness, grace, comfort, peace, joy... LOVE!!! Sometimes we can let the business of our lives get in the way of just simply feeling....

I was reminded of this yesterday, when I tried so hard to not allow myself to feel the aching of my heart, for someone else's loss. I tried to be numb, but instead I felt...
The back of my neck got hot, my face started to tingle, my stomach was jumping, I had the lump in my throat, and then it came, the tears came....

It seems so much easier to just be numb, but how incredible our mighty God is to be able to reach down and comfort us and those who are truly in need of His comfort... To pour His, peace, and grace on us, and remind us of His love.

Confession: I think I would rather feel, but it would be easier to be numb...