Confession: Tonight I will be totally transparent

Before I write this, I want you all to know that this is strictly to share how God spoke to me, don't read it and feel bad for me and make compliments and all that junk.... I was having an incredibly OFF day and God gave me what I needed. No sympathy!

I'm always very honest, but tonight I will not hold anything back. I woke up this morning in a serious funk, it was one of those funks that was a long time coming, something small set me off, and the roller coaster began. I was crying on and off, remembering my father, remembering my failures, remembering all the times I've given up, looking at who I am today... It was so overwhelming, I was flooded with all of these emotions, out of nowhere! I could have worked them out, but I allowed them to defeat me, to take over my day.

Quiet the whole day, with minimal interactions with my children, I sulked. The thoughts just kept pouring in... I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, why did I quit school, why did I quit dancing, I wish I still sang, I shouldn't have quiet playing piano...I quit EVERYTHING! As soon as I recognize that I'm good at something, I quit... it's easier to quit than to be good and then fail.

Next up... I'm a terrible mother, I'm not patient enough, I expect too much, my babies don't care if I'm with them or not.  My husband really could have done better, and this just goes on and on and on.

ALL day I did this to myself, I was tired, overwhelmed, defeated, weary, confused, and angry. I needed rest, I needed peace, but I felt bad looking for it. I felt guilty for feeling like this, but my husband saw it, and he knew. He said take some time, and lay down...But I didn't...

I got on my sneakers and work out clothes, and for the first time in 12 years, I ran.

                      

Earphone in my ear, worship music on pandora, the breeze, the fresh air, my feet hitting the pavement, my arms moving forward and back, inhale, exhale, my hair tossing side to side... I was running again! Tears streamed, I felt joy but was still overwhelmed with all that I had felt during the day. Then a song comes on....

My Beloved   Kari Jobe

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your care down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

He loves me, He is my rest, He is my peace, He is my joy, He is my restorer. I always seem to forget this, when feeling overwhelmed I search for peace, for rest, and empty handed and defeated I am reminded that my rest will always come from Him.
It doesn't matter what my day was, and  it just so happens that this day in particular was filled with some crazy emotions and feelings and memories that I hadn't faced in a long time, but it could be on any day that I'm feeling busy, or overwhelmed. I will not find true rest until I rest in Him, until I allow Him to restore me, to mend me, to take it all from me.

Do you know that you are His beloved?