Confession: Not really sure what to say

I haven't written in awhile, life at the Longwood house has been very busy these past few months. With that said, I guess there are some things I should catch you up on. If you have read my blog before, then you know that I had a miscarriage about 5 months ago leading me to make the decision to not have any more children and just enjoy the 3 we do have. Oops, that didn't go as planned because we found out soon after making that decision that we were expecting again! Needless to say I was very anxious about the news, unsure of whether to be excited or just expect the worst. All that aside, I'm happy to say that I am 4 months along with a very healthy baby. This doesn't have anything to do with my blog, but I just wanted to make the announcement before I proceeded.

Now where to begin, I had a sweet moment last night, while after being being upset with the kids behavior and my own, they felt they should pray for me, and then apologized for not listening, and I also apologized. I could write just about this, but because of the news today regarding the elementary school students, I feel like there are more things to consider. Last night was a reminder of how amazingly precious my, and all, babies are and then again today I was reminded.

Julian wakes up, and it's the same, almost everyday the rushing begins. Come on, let's go, you're going to miss the bus, hurry finish brushing, where are your shoes, why is your jacket not on yet..... Just a few of the things I shout out on a school day morning, rushing him around, pushing the others out of the way so that I'm not distracted and have him properly prepared for his day. Never stopping to consider how incredibly tense the school day already is, and that my shouting commands at him isn't preparing him at all for his day. I'm opening the door up for more anxiety and tension, rather than sending him off covered in peace, and filled with joy about his upcoming day.

Today, there are mothers that won't have the opportunity to wait at the bus for the babies, or stand in the obnoxious line outside the school door, or struggle to get their child to finish their homework, and stop pestering their siblings, and argue about what shows they can watch... They won't get that special hug that only your child can give you, they will miss a cheek to kiss tonight, they will miss that cry for mom in the middle of the night, they will miss the stinky smell of morning breath tomorrow morning asking for breakfast before the sun comes up. There are presents under trees, that will never be opened, birthdays not celebrated...

Why do we all wait for something tragic to touch us, to realize how short our time is, how short our children's time is, how unnecessary the rush of life is, and how necessary our love is. We get caught up in behavior, not being late, success in school and activities, that we lose focus of the beautiful gifts they are.

My prayers are for a peace that surpasses all understanding for all families involved, that if they don't know Gods love, that they are shown it now. My prayers are that all of us affected only by the sorrow it brings us to hear of such loss, are reminded of how important is to just love on our babies, to not take them for granted, but to embrace who they are and slow down to enjoy them. My prayers are that our world could see how badly it needs Jesus.

Nothing much else to say, I will do my best to not take my children for granted, and I pray that if I lose focus that something so tragic not be my reminder...

Expecting the unexpected

Expecting the unexpected: To not be surprised by an unusual event. Anything could happen and probably will.

A pretty commonly used phrase, expect the unexpected, and something I've come to accept. (Well, I'm trying to accept it) It seems that every time a final decision is made, or you settle in with something, an "unexpected" something happens that changes the situation, that changes the outcome.

Now, if you're anything like me, these unexpected things send you into a whirlwind of anxiety, worrying about the changes that will have to happen, about the unknown that is soon to come.  You would think, that as often as this happens in life, that it would be that much easier to "roll with the punches", but this is not the case, is it? This unexpected thing, consumes our thoughts, distracting us from life, causing us to lose focus on everything else.

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Wait, does that mean I'm wasting my time, with all the worry???

Recently faced with yet another unexpected circumstance, I'm having a hard time not allowing my every thought to be consumed with anxiety. Not knowing the outcome, trying to reassure myself that it will all work out, but in reality crushed by the possibility that things won't work out.  I keep reminding myself to trust God, to just let it go, but I'm so scared that I keep going back to it, over and over again, with all the "what ifs?".

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

So here I am, again, reminded to not worry, to not be anxious, to not be afraid, because not it's a major waste of time, when there He is ready to give me peace. It drives me crazy that I can't just get this right away, but I think I'm getting closer. I'm a work in progress, just like the rest of you, and while I don't doubt, or lack in faith, I sometimes forget that it's not me that's in control. 

I will have to continue to practice expecting the unexpected and along with it, letting go of control long enough to feel His peace. I'm sure you can tell from last few blogs that this is really something God is showing me. So how do you feel about "expecting the unexpected" and what do you do to "roll with the punches"?

Share, confess;)

Confession: Escape...

Escape: 1:)to slip or get away, as from confinement or restraint; gain or regain liberty.
2:) to slip away from pursuit; avoid capture, punishment, or any threatened evil.
3:) to slip away, fade

Do you ever feel like you need to escape, to slip away, fade, avoid capture?

I do, sometimes a slip away will do, other times escape is more like it, and some days I could just completely fade. While I'd like to say that this is a rare occurrence, I can't because I want to be totally honest, so I will be honest and tell you that it happens quite often.

I'm going to "paint you a picture":

Saturday came and with it came the busyness of life, my husband and I going in opposite directions, both taking some or one child/children. He left early with our son and caught the train to work for a few meetings. I got our daughters ready and we braved the stores to get a few fall clothing items, since tank tops won't do in 60 degree weather.

 My older daughter did awesome, she loves shopping so she just walked with me, talking and giggling, helping me pick out clothes for herself and her sister. Now my youngest, now that's a whole different story, which I should have expected. What would make me think that a 17 month old would last that long in the store like that, I clearly wasn't prepared for the day. She doesn't like to ride in strollers, carts, or arms, she wants to run free up and down the aisles, ripping clothes off of the racks, slinging sneakers off of the shelves, screaming loud enough to attract the typical nasty looks. So here I am trying to shop and control this wild thing that I call my child, bananas, cereal bars, sippy cups, toys, books, clothes...nope didn't work.

I decide to end the shopping trip after I'm all out of tricks and treats, (no pun intended, I promise) and we head to the check out line. We stand in line for 30 minutes waiting to check out, all the while the baby is screaming and now biting me because I won't put her down, and the nasty looks continue. We finish, and we start our hike to the car, now I'm dragging my tired 4 year old, and squeezing the guts out of my 17 month old while she struggles to get free and run wild. We walk about a half mile past the van before I realize that I was headed for the wrong van, turn around walk back and buckle in. From there I decide to stop and have lunch with them, which actually was quite pleasant.

When lunch is over we head home, unload the car and turn on a show for the girls so that I can now tackle the war zone that is my first floor. While I'm scrubbing the baby is pulling on my pants, yelling "UP", and destroying everything in her path, which just happens to be the path that I've just cleaned. After an hour or so of scrubbing, I decide to sit with them and just "relax" with a cup of coffee. Now, I can honestly say that I don't remember what happened between then and when Ray got home, it's all just blah. 

The rest of the day is pretty much gone in my brain until about 7:45 when I decide to fix something to eat. After getting the kids what they want, I fix myself and my husband some leftover chicken sausage and spinach soup and Italian bread.  As soon as my food is perfectly prepared and ready to be devoured, the baby is screaming at me again, now she wants to nurse for nothing more than comfort. I put my soup on the counter and I start running in circles around the house, she follows, screaming "Mommy" even louder now, and I just keep running. Then I see it....My ESCAPE!!!

Two tall, overflowing, laundry baskets sitting between the kitchen and laundry room, much too tall for a baby to see over. I circle the house one more time so that I can get far enough ahead to hide, I grab my food off the counter and I fling myself onto the floor, behind the baskets. What do I find? A pillow, the perfect cushion, the perfect make shift seat, the perfect spot to rest my rear. So behind the tall laundry baskets, in a dark room, on top of a pillow, on the floor, I sit, with my soup in my lap. I savor every bit, taking my time, eating in peace, soaking up the last drops with my bread...my escape.

No, it wasn't on a beautiful mountain top with an amazing view and fresh air, it wasn't a beach somewhere tropical where all I could hear were the waves crashing, it wasn't a spa, or bike ride, or a long walk. It was simple, it was the floor, on a pillow, behind a laundry basket in a dark room, in the quiet, and I prayed and sat with my bowl of soup,  it was the escape I needed, or was it something else?

I've had times where I wanted more than a little slip away, where I felt like I needed to escape my life and run and hide, times that I've wished I could fade away and never been seen... In recent times I've learned that it's not the escape I should be looking for, but the RESCUE!

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. (Isaiah 46:4)

As I sat behind the baskets, before I took the first bite of soup, I looked up almost in tears and thought, "why do I feel like I need to escape?" There I was in my laundry room, and I was blanketed with peace and reminded that I just needed to be still long enough to be rescued.

Rescue: to free from confinement, danger or evil; to save or deliver

So, do you need an escape, or do you need to be rescued?
 

Confession: I'm not confident that I've done enough

Have I done enough?

This is the question that is flooding my mind these past few days. As I prepare to send my first child to kindergarten, I wonder about all the things I should have/could have done different. I'm going to assume that it's better to be asking this question, "have I done enough" now, as opposed to when he leaves for college.  The question encompasses about a hundred other questions that I ask myself about my parenting.

I've always believed and known that each child is a precious gift, but up until recently I think I may have taken their lives for granted a bit. I haven't taken the time to remember that each life is such a miracle, and now that I've been reminded of this I want to embrace the miracles I have!

So now with one leaving me, I can't help but replay the past five years and wonder if I've done enough, if I've loved enough, hugged enough, played enough, laughed enough... I certainly can't turn back time, and don't really wish to, but I can be sure that while I may not have done enough in the past, I will do my best to do enough now. Loving each moment, laughing at every chance, hugging whenever arms are open, and making sure my babies know that they are a gift that I will celebrate daily!

Are we doing enough as parents, or are we so busy with life that we have forgotten how precious these gifts are?

       Enjoying morning snuggles instead of kicking them out!  

Confession: Now I know His peace

If  you didn't already know, we recently found out that we were pregnant with our 4th baby... Exciting, and unexpected news, that brought us so much joy! (that is after we peeled ourselves off the floor from the initial shock) We always said we would have 4, but had recently decided that for right now, (meaning the next few years) 3 was more than enough. So needless to say, this came as a surprise, an amazing one that we embraced and were totally cool with.

Discussions had started about getting the clothes out, and cleaning up the baby toys, and finding a bigger house, and making a new schedule to juggle every ones stuff... The kids were excited, family and friends were excited. We were thrilled to share this milestone with the new friends/family that we've made in New York.

Everything would go just like it had before, ultrasounds, blood work, heart beats, boy/girl, baby center updates... until it didn't. This isn't right, this isn't how it goes, it's supposed to be smooth, no problems, no question, no concerns, just a baby, it's that simple... but it's not. So something we have watched others go through, but have never ourselves experienced, has just become a reality. Our baby is gone...

Why??? No this isn't happening, you can't do this to me!!! What did I do??? Why do you hate me so much???  These are my words to God, while I lie broken and soaked in tears on our living room floor... Screaming and yelling in anger, then crying and yelling at myself for being so selfish. How could I think these things, He really has blessed us! Talk about a roller coaster.... I had it out with God, and He wrapped me in His arms and covered me in His peace.

I woke up 2 mornings later, and knew that everything was okay, that no matter what, everything was going to be okay. It's sad, yes, but I'm amazed that all I had to do was allow myself to feel, and be totally broken before Him, and He lifted me up and filled me with a peace that can only come from my Heavenly Father. My heart breaks for the moms I know that have experienced this over and over again, and my hope for them is that they too have been held by God and have felt the peace that only He can provide.

"As a child may cry out in pain even when sheltered in it's mother's arms, so we may sometimes know what it is to suffer even in the conscious presence of God" He is always present. I'm not sure where this is from, but my sweet sister Lea sent it to me. 

No real confession to tell, just a talk about friends:)

While visiting family and friends in Delaware for the week, I made plans with an old friend in Pennsylvania. We always find it hard to make plans because between the 5 of our kids something always comes up with at least one of them. While we have good intentions to visit and spend time, rarely do we ever follow through... You would think this would make us distant with each other, not really being together or even talking as often as "friends" should.

That's not the case though, when we get together we have the most fun! We talk, we laugh, we yell at our kids, we let them swap sippy cups and juice boxes... It's just comfortable to be ourselves with each other, not filtering what we say or how we react, never feeling judged, no apologies, just being real. We have been friends since elementary school, and while we spent years apart not talking, once we reconnected it was kind of like we were just in elementary school!

Now I can't disclose the contents of our conversations, but I can say that I think we might possibly have the same brain. Laughing while finishing the obnoxious sentence the other started. What a great feeling to know that you're not the only crazy person... yes, if you're reading this I called you crazy!

Life brings us all different types of friends, some for a short period of time, others for life. The ones that come and go, you just learn to enjoy them while they are there and move on when it's time. The ones that are forever, while you may not talk as often, you just know that they will always be there, that you won't have to move on when it's time. Because no matter, where you go or how far you are, or how long it's been, you will always call them friend.

For me friday was and awesome day, I got to spend the day with 2 lifetime friends... So thankful I will always be able to call them friend, no matter where we go, how far apart we are, or how long it's been.

Here are two of them, taking turns with a juice box that didn't belong to either of them.

Confession: Sometimes I forget that it's not about me

I haven't written in a few weeks and I'm fumbling with how to even start this... My brain is mush from vacation, I guess it's true, you do need a vacation after your vacation!

After a very busy few months, we took a vacation in Williamsburg Virginia for a week, just the five of us. We had an amazing time just being together, just being a family, whether it was hanging at the pool, or out and about.

The big "thing" we did for the kids was spend an entire day at Busch Gardens... Yes, an ENTIRE day at Busch Gardens with our 5 year old, 4 year old, and 15 month old! The kids had a blast, running from one ride to the next, stopping at all the water play areas on the way, meeting all the Sesame Street characters.

I so enjoyed seeing the joy this trip produced and loved experiencing it with them, but, and here is where we get really honest... it SUCKED! Don't get me wrong, I loved that they were having fun and all that but it sucked. It was 98 degrees and crazy humid, we were dripping with sweat, pushing all three kids in a stroller up and down the hills from one end of the park to another, passing all the "good" rides, not stopping for funnel cake and churros and all of the other typical Theme Park foods.

I mean really, when you're bringing children, especially young children, why do you still have to pay the expensive adult fee, it's not like you're going to take part in any of the offered activities. You can't get goodies because then the kids cry that you stopped walking, you can't get on rides, you can't watch the shows because the kids are scared of 4d shows...

Okay rant over, but really as this is all taking place I'm swarmed with memories of going to theme parks as a child. Memories of peeing my pants on a ride (after my mom begged me to use the bathroom before getting on), eating funnel cakes and fudge, my dad buying us over sized sweatshirts, my parents waiting at the bottom of the water slides, laughing and screaming... It was so much fun, and I don't remember what the experience was like for my parents. I'm coming to the conclusion that when we were younger their experience was similar to mine. Hot, sweaty, aching feet and back, tired, and I could go on and on.

They went anyway, even when we were young, they made a sacrifice, paid the outrageous prices, walked miles on end, sweated pounds off, not for themselves, but for us. It makes me look at other things, that I look at as a hassle, and inconvenience and realize that it's not about me. It's not about whether I enjoy walking a mile from the car to the water at the beach, and whether I enjoy following the three of them in different directions at the park, or whether I enjoy cleaning up playdoh bits, and globs of paint...

As their mom, it's a sacrifice I make, letting go of what I want or don't want, and just enjoy making memories with/for them. Allowing them to fully experience what life as a child has to offer, because... IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!

Whether I plan it or not, everyday they will make a memory, it's my responsibility to make sure the memory that they make is a good one.

My challenge to myself is to intentionally make 1 good memory every day with my children. To not just let the day go by, busy with life, but to stop everyday and make at least 1 good memory with them. My other goal/challenge is to change my thinking, so that it is no longer a sacrifice but just second nature.

So does anyone else struggle with this?

Confession: None of us will ever be "good enough"

I've been thinking all week about what to write, pulling the laptop out, staring at it, closing it, putting it away, and waiting... I try to be really intentional about what I write, some are funny others more serious, but I'm always sure before I start typing, before I click publish. All week only one thing kept coming to mind when I sat to write, but honestly I wasn't too sure I wanted to write about it. So today, I'm deciding to just go ahead and do it, I'm pretty sure that I'm sure.

This will call for some back story, I will do my best to make it short... At our church, along side the driveway, there is a fence, on the other side of the fence there is an alley, and in the alley there are a lot of young people. In case you didn't catch it, they are right next to the church, on the other side of the fence. These young people are on the other side of the fence, they are broken, and while spending most of their days and nights right next to a church, they really have no idea who or what God is. So instead of turning to a God they don't know, they spend their lives drinking and using drugs, seeking but never finding. I should clarify that these young people vary in age, from 14- 22 more or less.

Ray and his friend Mike (the worship pastor) became almost desperate to reach these kids.  They would talk, then Ray and I would talk, and we all kept trying to come up with some "plan", but there couldn't really be a plan. The conclusion was to just do it, to just go over to the fence and show them Gods love. Now this didn't mean, tell them about God, invite them to church, give them a track... It just meant to love them, to show them a love that they had no idea existed, a love they have never seen, a love they have never experienced, a love that only comes from God.

So Ray and Mike started going over there during the day, the kids were scared, they thought they were cops!  They kept going over, just hanging out, having fun, and then decided it was time to bring over some kids from youth group. The questions were now are they ready, are the youth group kids ready, are the "fence kids" ready? Will it go ok? Will we scare them off? Will it be awkward? It really didn't matter what we did, what was taught, how we "prepared" them.  Neither side would ever be "ready", so one night we just opened up the doors to that side of the church, and gave the teens boxes of pizza, and sent them to the fence. They went over and gave them pizza, and drinks, and chips, some of them stayed and talked, some just delivered the food and came back. All of it was uncomfortable, but God doesn't call us to be comfortable does he?

After a few weeks some of the teens would just automatically go out there and talk, and just one at a time, kids would come from the other side of the fence. So last week we decided to have a big cook out in the driveway, for the "youth group kids" and the "fence kids". For the first 2 hours, we were giving most of the kids food over the fence, the kids on both sides not sure whether to cross the fence.

I decided to go over and talk to a couple of girls that were staying pretty secluded, so we were just talking and the one girl looks at me and says "Why are you here?" So here's the conversation.

Me: What do you mean?
Girl: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I where?
Girl: Why are you guys coming over here?
Me: Why not
Girl:We do like, ya know, bad stuff.
Me: Like what?
Girl: Drinking, drugs... we aren't "good"
Me: What is good?
Girl: Well, like they are (pointing to youth group kids) good
Me: Really? Just because they don't use drugs or alcohol doesn't make them good.
Girl: Ok, so why are you here?
Me: Just to show you guys a little love, just to hang out...
Girl: Really? Us?
Me: Yep
Girl: Alright, that's cool.

I know this was long and seemingly unecessary, but I needed to tell you the conversation to get to the point. She was saying that they weren't good enough, that they didn't deserve what we were trying to offer. And to be honest, I know that some of the teens on the "church side" of the fence didn't think that they deserved it either, or that they were good enough. I'm pretty sure they feel very differently about it now, after realizing that they are just like them, they have some of the same issues, same struggles, listen to the same music... the difference is, (like Ray said last night) we know God, they don't.

So really, I'm not good enough, the "church side" isn't good enough, the "fence kids" aren't good enough, and yes in case you were wondering, you aren't good enough either. But!!!! Thankfully, we all have the oppurtunity, whether we know it yet or not, to be loved by an amazing God, that could care less whether we are good enough or not.

On Thursday morning, the city dug up the back ally due to some sewage issues, and the "fence kids" had nowhere to hang out. Actually that's not true, I did hear one girl say they had a hang out spot down the street, but they didn't go... they came over onto "our side" and sat on the sidewalk and hung out with all of us. They didn't go into church, nobody talked about God, but could it be that maybe they are starting to see, that we are really all the same, none of us good enough, none of us deserving of the sacrifice the Christ made? Maybe they are starting to see that even though we aren't good enough, and we are the same, that there is still something different?

All it is, is Gods love, we didn't do anything special, we aren't anything special, it's just Gods love in us.

So before we decide that others aren't good enough for Gods love, we need to check ourselves, because last I checked, I wasn't good enough for it either.

Confession: Sometimes I yell at my kids

Yesterday I had a really hard time using self control and I was beyond frustrated with the kids, repeating myself multiple times and then eventually yelling at them. I was so upset that they were unable to use self control, that I in turn didn't use self control.


Let's be honest, I didn't yell at them... I screamed at them. While I was screaming, I was inside myself saying "Julie stop, why are you screaming..." All the while, I've allowed myself to get so angry that I'm still yelling, spewing my anger onto and into them. I never said anything hurtful to them, but it was how I said what I said, how I reacted to them. It was not with respect, it was not life giving, it was not administering peace, and it certainly did not "fix" the situation.


This is not something that I'm proud of, in fact, I HATE myself when and after I've screamed. Inside, screaming at myself, "what is wrong with you, how could you, you're a terrible mother, you're ruining them". The truth of it is, screaming is something that I have been battling with for years, even before I had children. It's how I learned to control things, by screaming, by being angry so that I could control my situation, my surroundings, and yes, the people around me.  I thought I had it under control, and then I had kids...


(That's the problem... not only do I not want to control others, but I don't want to control my children. If I'm forever controlling them, then how will they ever learn how to control themselves. If I don't offer them choices, much like God gives us, then how will they ever learn how to make responsible decisions, know that the choice they make will either have consequences or benefits.)


 I've been working on it very hard within this past year, and have made some great strides. It's hard when I slip up and scream to not feel defeated, but it's a work in progress, I can't perfect something overnight that is so ingrained in me. Since I have been working on it, my relationship with my children has changed drastically, I see them differently, they see me differently, I see my Heavenly Father differently. I even had the word "grace" tattooed on the inside of my right wrist, as a constant reminder of the undeserved grace and mercy that I'm given daily by God, as a reminder to give my children grace daily.


I've always thought that I'm the only crazy person that struggles with screaming, and that I was in this battle alone fighting for my motherhood, fighting myself for my children... I've recently found in speaking to other moms, that I'm actually not the "only one". I've been shocked to find that there are in fact, lots of other mothers that are struggling with this. These women, are distraught, hating themselves, feeling like they are destroying their children, and not doing anything about it, because they have no idea what to do. How shocked each one was when I revealed that I too have and still struggle with this... Their response "you seem so together", my response "LOL".


Through these conversations, I've been able to share my struggles, listen to others struggles and share what I'm doing to overcome them, and listening for new ways to handle things. I've also been able to tell these fellow mothers that no matter how hard I tried to change, and to stop what I was doing, I couldn't until I stopped trying to be in control, and I gave God control. I didn't do this once, I've had to do it daily, before my feet hit the floor, give my control to the God, I've had to do it multiple time daily. 


If this is you, or something you struggle with, know that you're not alone, that you're not crazy! But also know that you can't change this alone, it takes giving up control, allowing God to reign. It takes serious hard work, constant reminders of Gods grace, it's not perfect, it won't ever be perfect. Being a mom isn't about perfection, it's beautiful, and it's full of flaws, but it is about grace, joy, patience, compassion, forgiveness, guidance, and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE...


Two books that I've been reading, that have helped me tremendously are Running into Water- Women Immersed In the Pursuit Of God by Angela Blycker, and Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk. Again, these alone won't help, I had to be willing to make the changes, willing to give up control.  Today is a new day for me, for my children, today I face my struggle, giving God control, accepting His grace, and giving it to my precious children in return.


"Pity emphasizes the distance between people. No relationship is possible when one person pities another. Compassion, on the other hand, is a commitment between the helper and the needy that is based on relationship. Compassion requires intimacy" -Jo Ann Lyons


"If we believe in this compassionate God and accept how he looks at and redeems vagabonds out of his great kindness, then, and only then, can we look at others -even at our own children- with this sort of compassion and not burn out"- Angela Blycker


"It is crucial that when your children look into your eyes, regardless of the circumstances bearing down on them, what they see is someone that believes in them. (Romans 4:17 You have the power to call those things which do not exist as though they did) But that same power causes devastation when a child encounters an angry, irresponsibly mouthed parent. That is death to the heart and vision of a child" -Danny Silk

What do my children see when they look into my eyes? What do your children see when they look into your eyes?


Remember, you're not alone!

Confession: It's a lot easier to blame others... isn't it?

 "All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you." Wayne Dyer


When things don't go as planned, or when they go wrong, the first thing that most of us do is start searching for someone else to blame. It's much easier to place the blame on others rather than accept the blame ourselves or just let it go. Blame can be a scary thing, it allows us to never accept responsibility for our own actions, for our mistakes, and ultimately for ourselves.


"The search for someone to blame is always successful" Robert Half


Isn't this so true? It wasn't our fault when we got fired, it's not our fault that our children are disrespectful, it's not our fault we are overweight, it's not our fault they don't talk to us, it's not our fault the house isn't clean.... The list goes on and on, things that aren't our fault, reasons why it happened, other people that are to blame, never looking at ourselves, never looking within.


I recently had the opportunity, to be on the outside looking in on a situation where this game was taking place. You know the game, "the blame game", oh what a fun game to play! It didn't matter what the other person did or said, it was their fault, every situation they faced with the other person, it was always their fault. The one continuing to place the blame, turning every conversation, disagreement, and problem onto the other. To look from the outside in, I thought how sad it is that "the blamer" is disabled from moving forward in their life because of the continuous blame being placed on others. Never accepting responsibility, never acknowledging the underlying issue, never letting go of control long enough to recognize the damage they are doing. In turn, never dealing with their own heart issue that has made this game so easy for them to play.


I've played this game, played it very well... Unable to deal with the real issues, too hurt to recognize that the real issue started with me, with my heart.  Everything in my life was wrong and there was ALWAYS someone else to blame. I thank God for opening my eyes, for allowing me to come to the place I did when I realized that I had nobody left to blame, the only person I could point the finger at was myself.


"When you blame others, you give up your power to change" Dr. Robert Anthony


Confession: I couldn't change myself, I couldn't even allow God to change me because I was too busy blaming everyone else. If I can't admit my faults, then I can't release them to God, and allow Him to work on my heart.


Who or what are you blaming today?  Have you been stuck in a place of not understanding why you can't change, why God "can't" change you?

Confession: Tonight I will be totally transparent

Before I write this, I want you all to know that this is strictly to share how God spoke to me, don't read it and feel bad for me and make compliments and all that junk.... I was having an incredibly OFF day and God gave me what I needed. No sympathy!

I'm always very honest, but tonight I will not hold anything back. I woke up this morning in a serious funk, it was one of those funks that was a long time coming, something small set me off, and the roller coaster began. I was crying on and off, remembering my father, remembering my failures, remembering all the times I've given up, looking at who I am today... It was so overwhelming, I was flooded with all of these emotions, out of nowhere! I could have worked them out, but I allowed them to defeat me, to take over my day.

Quiet the whole day, with minimal interactions with my children, I sulked. The thoughts just kept pouring in... I wish I was prettier, I wish I was thinner, why did I quit school, why did I quit dancing, I wish I still sang, I shouldn't have quiet playing piano...I quit EVERYTHING! As soon as I recognize that I'm good at something, I quit... it's easier to quit than to be good and then fail.

Next up... I'm a terrible mother, I'm not patient enough, I expect too much, my babies don't care if I'm with them or not.  My husband really could have done better, and this just goes on and on and on.

ALL day I did this to myself, I was tired, overwhelmed, defeated, weary, confused, and angry. I needed rest, I needed peace, but I felt bad looking for it. I felt guilty for feeling like this, but my husband saw it, and he knew. He said take some time, and lay down...But I didn't...

I got on my sneakers and work out clothes, and for the first time in 12 years, I ran.

                      

Earphone in my ear, worship music on pandora, the breeze, the fresh air, my feet hitting the pavement, my arms moving forward and back, inhale, exhale, my hair tossing side to side... I was running again! Tears streamed, I felt joy but was still overwhelmed with all that I had felt during the day. Then a song comes on....

My Beloved   Kari Jobe

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

Under my mercy come and wait
Till we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child

You're beautiful to me
So beautiful to me

I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your care down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me

I'll breathe my life inside of you
I'll bear you up on eagle's wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength

I'll take you to my quiet waters
I'll restore your soul
Come rest in me and be made whole

You're my beloved, you're my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love

He loves me, He is my rest, He is my peace, He is my joy, He is my restorer. I always seem to forget this, when feeling overwhelmed I search for peace, for rest, and empty handed and defeated I am reminded that my rest will always come from Him.
It doesn't matter what my day was, and  it just so happens that this day in particular was filled with some crazy emotions and feelings and memories that I hadn't faced in a long time, but it could be on any day that I'm feeling busy, or overwhelmed. I will not find true rest until I rest in Him, until I allow Him to restore me, to mend me, to take it all from me.

Do you know that you are His beloved?

Confession: I'm not always the best Comforter

In our house, (and I'm sure it's the same for all you that have littles as well) sleep is very important, and very rare...at least a full nights sleep. Usually it's the baby that is up, but when she sleeps, one of the older two get up. It never fails, almost every single night somebody is up.

I stumble up the steps in the dark, lay the baby in her crib, walk to my room and crash. My pillow, my sheets, the fan, my bed, sleep! Then I hear it, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, followed by terrifying screams. Off balance, half asleep, stumbling in the dark, and if I'm honest a little bit ticked that I'm being woken up, I run into the room. Me: What?! What's wrong?! Why are you up?! Child: I'm scared, I had a bad dream again, I see shadows, I can't sleep... (Now my initial reaction in my head is to say go back to sleep and stop crying) Me: Ok, let's pray about it, (we pray) mommy loves you, you should go back to sleep now, Jesus is always with you.

I stumble back through the dark hall, and plop back into my bed, as I start to fade, Mommy!!!! Now I'm fuming and I want nothing to do with being a kind, sensitive, comforting mom right now... I just want to sleep! But I don't, there is no stumbling this time because now I'm wide awake, I go in and repeat the process, but it's not working. So I lay in the bed with them, rubbing their back, singing, praying, and then just laying with them. About 30 minutes go by, and I get up and go back to my bed, and before I even plop on my bed, Mommy!!! AAAAHHHHHH You have got to be kidding me?? This isn't really happening right now, I have to sleep, I have stuff to do tomorrow...

I walk, with heavy feet, (maybe it's called stomping) into the room and harshly say, I need to sleep, this has got to stop. They look at me crying, but mom I'm scared, crying, and frightened looking to me for comfort.

Like a punch in the gut, my breath is taken away as it hits me. How often I cry out to God for comfort, how often I just need Him to hold me and tell me it's ok, and EVERY single time He does. He doesn't tell me He's too busy, and that He has the whole world to take care of. He's never harsh, He never even has a second thought. I'm His child, and He loves me, He is my comfort, He is my father.

So my conclusion is that my husband, their father, is the one that should be getting up with them, right??? Just kidding

I'm supposed to be that for my kids, they are my children, I love them, I'm their comforter, I'm their mother. How dare I think for a second that anything else is more important than comforting my children when they are hurt, scared, sad... I want to love my kids, like my Heavenly Father loves me. I know it won't be perfect, because I'm not, but I will make it my mission  that if my children know nothing else, they know I love them.

I am their comforter. Confession: I'm not always good at it!

Confession: I'm not numb anymore, I'm not sure I like this....

Numb: emotionally unresponsive, indifferent

Hurt, angry, sad, and confused, I allowed myself to become numb... The numbness was often times mistaken by myself and others as strength, but to be strong is something very different.

Strength: moral power, firmness, or courage

I would have been strong if I had faced these things head on, lifted my head up, allowed God to pour out His grace on me, dealt with the struggle...

But I didn't, at least not for a long time, I was simply numb. I couldn't feel hurt, sadness, defeat... I only felt anger. Emotionally unaffected by death, tragedy, illness, sorrow, and pain, not just my own but others as well.

For years, I mistook my numbness for strength, being harsh and cold towards others. Looking down at them for the emotional response to their own sorrows and tragedies. I can recall saying things like, "So, people die every day... others have it so much worse... just get over it." I was numb...

Until I wasn't... To feel for the first time in years, how overwhelming... to not only feel what I was in at that moment, but to feel what I had suppressed for years before. The tingling in my face, the heat on the back of my neck, the flopping of my belly, the lump in my throat, the aching of my heart... and yes the tears streaming down my face. What is this? What's wrong with me? Stop Julie!!! You're strong, you don't cry, (and certainly not around other people) pick yourself up, get a hold of yourself, this is silly, just get over this!!!

What caused this? I was finally able to forgive, and when I forgave others, and accepted Gods forgiveness, I opened myself up... Not expecting to feel what I felt, not realizing that all this time I hadn't allowed myself to feel, not knowing that my strength was actually numbness.

How hard it was at first...to get used to "feeling". What do you do with these "things", where do I leave them, how do I stop them, when will they go away???  This is when I learned about Gods comfort, I learned that not matter how hard it was to feel, the comfort that God gave surpassed anything and everything else... Yes, it was better than being numb.

Sometimes we forget about all the things He gives us, forgiveness, grace, comfort, peace, joy... LOVE!!! Sometimes we can let the business of our lives get in the way of just simply feeling....

I was reminded of this yesterday, when I tried so hard to not allow myself to feel the aching of my heart, for someone else's loss. I tried to be numb, but instead I felt...
The back of my neck got hot, my face started to tingle, my stomach was jumping, I had the lump in my throat, and then it came, the tears came....

It seems so much easier to just be numb, but how incredible our mighty God is to be able to reach down and comfort us and those who are truly in need of His comfort... To pour His, peace, and grace on us, and remind us of His love.

Confession: I think I would rather feel, but it would be easier to be numb...

Confession: I HATE cleaning!

I really don't like cleaning, there is not a bone in my body that even slightly enjoys it. I do enjoy the finished product, and I could never not do it, but it's no fun for me. I know people that LOVE cleaning, it's just something they enjoy doing...and that's cool... for them! Now, even though I don't like cleaning, I do it often, daily... I can't function in clutter, and I like to have a clean house.

I also ask that my kids clean up their messes, and help clear their dishes from the table... Now this is a battle, and I can get so frustrated, thinking "why do I have to go through this almost every time I ask them to clean???" They just don't want to do it, they want nothing to do with it... sound familiar? Why yes, yes it does... I just said the same thing about myself!

Why has it taken me so long to realize that I shouldn't expect them to enjoy doing something that I don't want to do either.... If I don't want to clean, why would I think they would want to.  So I give them something for helping me clean, or pick up their toys... some people will disagree, saying I should just ask them to do it and they should listen. Well, I came to the realization that when I'm cleaning, my focus is what I get to do afterwards... have a cookie, a cup of hot tea, snuggle the kids, read, dance... There is always a reward, so if a 30 year old woman needs an incentive for cleaning why wouldn't a 4 and 5 year old??

Then I think some more and realize how many other things I could apply this thought process to. When my kids get angry, they may cry, yell, throw a fit... and I may explain, that this is unacceptable. Really??? Because I'm pretty sure I do the same thing when I'm angry, it may not look exactly the same but that's to be expected, I am 25 years older than they are!! I could keep going, using a lot of different scenarios, but I think you get the point.

Before I ask my babies to do something, or expect something of them, I need to put myself in their shoes... Am I asking too much, am I expecting too much, and how can I make this smoother for them?

So my confession is, sometimes (or a lot of times) I expect/ask too much from my children... forgetting how hard it is as an adult to live life, and expecting them (as children) to manage it better than I do as an adult.

Are there any children, teenagers, or even adults in your life that you are asking/expecting too much of?

All we get is one day????

This one is for all the mothers out there that are/or have been up to there elbows in poop, covered from neck to waist in vomit, brow to chin in tears (your own), head to toe in snot... and the list goes on and on and on....

And wait here is the best part... We only get one flipping day!!!! Yeah I said it... I know you all think it... We all say, oh we do it because we love them (which is true), oh it's the most rewarding job, oh we don't need any recognition, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH... Hahaha, okay so those things are true, to an extent, but still....

All joking aside, being a mom is so rewarding, but it is sooooo exhausting! Whether you work outside of the home, or you stay home with your kids (which is WORK) it is an exhausting job.... It takes all your energy, it's physical, emotional, spiritual...

You have this human being that you've been entrusted with, that's a big responsibility, it's a hard thing to do. So you take the step, you decide to do it, to be a mom, and you're excited, and anxious, and scared and thrilled!

Now you're a mom, and you're like, Oh crap, what do I do now??? Why are they crying, what do they need, what's this green stuff, what's this rash, where's that paci, breast or bottle, when will I sleep, where did all my money go??? And then... all the "supportive" people in your life decide that it's their job to tell you how to raise this child, what's the right thing to do, which diapers to buy, breast is best, formula is better, A&D versus Balmex, Dr. Brown's versus Playtex, attachment or not, cry it out or comfort, moby versus mei tai.... No matter what you do, you will be wrong to someone!

But wait, aren't you the one this child will call mama? Aren't you the one that feeds, changes, comforts, LOVES???

My way is better, she shouldn't be doing that, I can't believe she spanks, if that were my child, poor babies, she needs to discipline them more, I can't believe she's still nursing, I can't believe she's not nursing....

Have you heard any of these, or thought/said any of these before? I have! I don't know about you, but I want to make other moms know how awesome they are! Whatever way they decided to do it, whether it's how I do it or not, the point is that they are doing it!!!

So let's try to lift each other up, offer advice not give orders, see in others eyes and not pass judgement, encourage each other, celebrate each others motherhood all the time!!!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY not just today, but everyday that you are on this FUN journey called motherhood.

Confession: I don't strive for perfection..

Confession: I don't strive for perfection

Here it goes.... I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. I know, I know, this is a huge shock for those of you who know me!!! HAHAHAHA Totally joking... Wait there's more, Your not perfect either!!! I know your dealing with some serious shock right now... take a minute, just breathe........ Okay are your ready now??? If so, keep reading and please don't hate me too much  ;)

I know society tells us to strive for perfection, do more, be more, be better, be greater... And while I don't disagree with doing your best, and not settling for less than God created you to be, I do disagree with striving for perfection...  I don't want to be perfect, I don't want my kids to be perfect.... I don't want to get stuck in an impossible journey to perfection.... This probably seems really silly, you guys are like this chick is off her rocker, and her poor babies!!!

I wasn't made to be perfect, none of us were. If we were perfect, we couldn't possibly realize how much we need our Creator. Not being perfect, making mistakes, even failing, reminds me how much I need Jesus, it reminds me that He created me to want Him, to seek Him, to find Him. It's my daily struggles that are constant reminders of how much I need Him in my life.

Embrace your imperfections and use them as reminders of how much you need Him. Be who He created you to be without going on an impossible journey to perfection!!!

If you are reading this and you don't know who He is, and what He created you for, I would challenge you to find out... Search for Him, and enjoy the journey to finding the Perfect God that created you so beautifully imperfect!

Confession: I am not a judge

                               Confession: I am not a judge

I really make a conscious effort to not judge others, and I have to say that I generally do a pretty good job at not judging... But I found myself judging a group of women this week. The ironic part... I was judging them for judging me.

Sweaty palms, shortness of breath, slightly blurry vision... a full blown anxiety attack.... driving Julian for his kindergarten screening! We get out of the car and I bend down and pray with him before we walk into the school. I'm reassuring him that it's going to be awesome, meanwhile in my head... You can do this Julie, he won't have your experience, you can walk in there, your an adult, pull it together, all the other moms will be just like you...

Head held high, smile on my face, Julian's hand in mine, I walk through the school door with confidence, I sign us in and proceed down the hall. I turn the corner and see the table that we are heading for, I see the chairs lined against the walls, and I see the women sitting in the chairs. I get closer and I now see that these moms are in fact, not just like me...

For starters, they all have about 10 years on me, some more. That's no big deal though, it's their faces that are different... they aren't smiling... I now see it all over their faces, a look I've seen plenty of times before. I'm not paranoid, I know the face, I've heard the comments that generally go along with that look... I'd like to say that I was just being paranoid.

The look says, "oh great... young girl, (to them I'm young) with a mixed child, he's probably a trouble maker, I'm sure she's not married, and if she is, he's probably not the father, well maybe he won't make it into my kids class."

I keep smiling, I will look past this, I will break their cold hard walls down, and then they will see how wrong they are... I check Julian in, nobody addresses me, only him, and they take him back for his screening. I look for a seat, find one and sit down with a smile. All the women look away now and return to their conversations. Eventually a woman sits next to me, and we do chat for a bit. She attempts to introduce me to some of the other moms and tells me all of their PTA rolls and responsibilities. Still, they do not acknowledge me and just talk to her.

I sit back with a smile, and listen, discussions of prestigious parties, and alcohol abuse, and affairs, and money.... all while waiting for their kindergartners to finish up. How could they judge me?!?! This is obnoxious, I can't believe I'm hearing this right now. Wow I can't believe they are openly talking about getting sloshed at "play dates" and planning their kids next outing, making sure it's somewhere they don't have to pay attention to them. Great moms...and they judge me because of the color of my kids skin, and my age.

I do consider the fact that I could be wrong, I really do try to make the best of it. Julian comes out, the teacher makes zero eye contact and walks away, I get up and tell the ladies it was "nice to meet them" (if that's what you call it) and the PTA president coldly says, "Bye now, good luck paying Seaford taxes" then snickers and walks away.

I was fuming, the back of my neck was tight, my forehead was wrinkled, I turned and walked away. Julian's hand in mine, smile on my face, we walked to the car and celebrated him for doing such a good job...

I told you this whole story, but none of it really matters.... It doesn't matter what they thought, it doesn't matter what they said, it doesn't matter what kind of faces they made...

My actions are what matter, my thoughts are what matter, I'm responsible for me, not them. I sat there angry, because I felt like they were judging me, and for an hour I listened to their conversations, and I judged them. I don't know them, I don't know their stories, I don't know their circumstances, and I sat there and judged them.

I was wrong, I was so very wrong... I am not a judge, I am not a prosecutor, it is not my place to condemn anyone, and as for what they think of me...well they aren't my judge either... I don't report to them, they won't be holding me accountable.

Grace= undeserved mercy

I'm daily given grace by God, something I don't deserve... Maybe they didn't deserve my grace, but I should have given it.

Next time I will, I will look down at my arm and see the tattoo on my wrist, grace...

Confession: Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I forget to give others grace. Thank God, he doesn't forget to give me grace daily!

Confession: Too much noise drives me insane!!!

 SHUT UP!!!

Okay, I know this is a jacked up heading but lets face it, we all have something that just really drives us crazy. For me.... it's noise, hands down  my biggest trigger for losing it!

Noise has always been hard for me, mostly because I have such a hard time focuing my thoughts without noise, then you add noise and that's it, I'm done.

Now that I only have one working ear it seems that noise is even more aggravating. It's like I can't filter anything, or tune it out. It just blares in my ear and no matter how hard I try, I can't focus on just one sound...

Music, however doesn't bother me... I love music, I have it playing in the house a good portion of the day, it calms me, unless I'm trying to have a conversation and then I just have to turn it off.

Right now, my son is playing playdoh and making some crazy noises and singing, my one daughter is singing/screaming and twirling around in a princess dress, and my other daughter is slamming a tambourine on the ground and yelling/laughing.. and I don't have any music playing right at this moment.

NOISE!!! It's just a bunch of awful noise that won't let me focus on anything I planned on doing... How many times have I said, "shhhh mommy needs you to just be quiet" or " just go upstairs, or go downstairs"?

Until I stop trying to finish my "to do list" and am just still. Until I settle myself and focus on the music. (No, not the music in my head, I'm not that crazy) How could I have missed this, how did I not hear this before????

It's not noise, it's music... their sweet voices, their joy, their imagination, their peace, their laughter....

How beautiful it sounds, what a gift to be able to hear them, and see them and hold them. How many times have I taken for granted the "noise" my kids make? How often have I stolen their joy so I can have a moment of "peace"?

This is my confession today, I get so caught up in my day to day "stuff" that I forget to stop and listen to the music. Whether it be the sound of passing cars, the waves crashing at the beach, the birds outside my window that start at 4 a.m. daily, the hum of people talking when I'm out, or the amazingly precious song that my children sing daily.

What have you been missing out on by allowing those "things" that drive you crazy, control your day?

I don't want to let the "noise" control my day, from now I on I will do my best to hear the music....

Confession: I struggle daily to find my motivation...

Confessions: I struggle daily to find my motivation....

I'm pretty sure this one can apply to you no matter where you are in journey, wife, mother, high school, college.... wherever you may be.  Every area of your life requires motivation, but it's the same thing for all areas. For a long time I thought I just had no motivation, then it hit me... There really is no such thing as no motivation, if I decide to sit on my rear all day and watch television and stuff my face with food, you might say "she's lazy and has no motivation". But really, my motivation would be that I don't care about myself. If I don't care about myself then that's what motivates me to do nothing. (just an example, not real life. haha)

So what is your motivation?? What drives you to do or not do certain things in life. Here's where I open up and share some of my motivations, and how I want them to change, or how I've worked on changing them.

Mothering: Old motivation: Raise my kids to fulfill every ones expectations, and to always behave "appropriately" so that I would be perceived as a "good mom". That is so crappy!!!

New Motivation: Raise them and guide them according to their individual personalities and help them to see gifts and help them to grow. I haven't perfected this yet, but I spend everyday working at it.

Wife: Old motivation: Making sure that my husband is always happy, that he has freshly cooked dinner every night, and a clean house, and cleans clothes, not ever arguing.... the list goes on. (btw none of which he asks or demands) I wanted to be seen as the "perfect wife"

New Motivation: To make sure that our relationship is always centered around God, to fulfill the journey together that he has sent us BOTH on.

I could seriously pick at every area in my life and tell you what my motivations used to be and what they are now, but I have had so many changes in my life, that it would be a really long list!

For me, I found that I had just a couple of different things that motivated me: what others thought about me was a huge motivation... There are times when my motivation was lack of care or concern for myself...

 What motivates you will determine the outcome of whatever you are trying to accomplish. By living my life according to how others thought I should, caused me to lose myself and a sense of what I'm here for. It took me a while to find myself again, but I did!! I've had to completely reprogram my brain, and evaluate every thought that I have and what my motivation is.

So again, what's your motivation? Who/what are you living for? There is no such thing as NO motivation, find it, embrace it or change it. Be happy

Confession: My motivation for not taking care of my body is that I just didn't care, this has been a huge struggle for me! My new motivation is to be healthy and happy and a good example to my kids.

Another confession: Okay, there are also other reasons for me not always taking good care of my body, I might be addicted to food! I seriously think about it ALL day!!! It's just that now, I don't eat it every time I think about it! LOL

Confession/Warning: Grouchy Mama in the Morning

 Grouchy Mama in the Morning

I can remember my mother telling my brothers, "Just leave her alone, she's a bear in the morning!!! " I suppose I always thought that when I got "older" and had kids that I would miraculously become a morning person.... That sounds like a joke when I think about it now...because now that I'm "older" and I have kids, I can with full confidence say..... Don't mess with me in the morning, I'm like a bear!!

I try, I really do.... I want to be one of those women that get up before the sun, spend quiet time alone with God, and start the everyday with a fresh loaf of bread or muffins. The reality is that the best way to get bread or muffins in my house is to ask me to make them the night before. And as far as spending some time with the Lord, well I make the time, but it is by no means"quiet".

Now, I might have a better shot at becoming a morning mama if I could sleep at night, but my lovely children have yet to allow me to do that. I'm cool with that... as long as they don't mess with me too early in the morning!  I hear people say "One day you will be dragging your kids out of bed". You are joking right??? If they are sleeping, then I plan on also being asleep... I have a feeling that they will get plenty of pink slips for being late to school....

I wish I could say that coffee helps, but really it just fuels the fire because then I want to be left alone to drink my coffee! Maybe I sound like a bad mother to some of you, but this blog is called Confessions. So I've embraced my morning moodiness, I make no attempt to accomplish anything other than feeding my children, drinking my coffee and loving on my babies.

 I have to daily remind myself that I am the mood setter in my home, so if I desire a home filled with peace and joy, than when I get out of bed I have to bring my mama down and leave my bear up... I haven't perfected this yet, just ask my kids, but I am trying!!!

How about you, do you struggle with morning, or just being the mood setter in your home? Share your struggles, tips, goals, and accomplishments!

Confession: I hate mornings and I suck at them.... I'm not always the peacemaker in my home, sometimes I'm the one that prevents the peace, and I think maybe if I had chocolate cake every morning that then I would be on point!! But then I would be writing a confession about all the weight I gained, so for now I will allow myslef to be renewed my God, and face my daily struggle head on!

Birthday Confessions

Birthday Confessions!!!!

30 years ago on April 19th God made a little girl, He already knew how broken her body would become, and how her heart would ache, He knew her strengths and her weaknesses.  He wrote a book, carefully titled each chapter, and thoughtfully wrote on each page... He made sure to include much humor, drama, love, and grief. (because what's a good book without all that!?) He didn't need to proofread it, because He knew He could edit it later, and when He was done it was published with The Turner publishing company!

We all have a book, written by our maker, each one is a beautiful novel, always worth publishing! Celebrate your life, tell people about your book, allow your author to continue to write!

Confession- I've never been big on celebrating my birthday, I have no fear of age, or getting older, it was just never a big thing for me. This year, I feel renewed, refreshed, stronger, wiser, more beautiful, healthier.... and the list goes on.
I realized that I didn't feel worth celebration, that I didn't feel special, or happy. No matter how much I tried to fill my life with things that would make me happy, I wasn't. When I was younger it was "friends" and things, and substances, as I got older it was my husband and then my kids. As amazing as some of those things ( not the "substances") are and can be, they can't and won't and didn't make me happy! (not a lasting happiness)
I had to realize that I am worth celebration, not because I'm some incredibly special person, but because my author thought I was worth it enough to write my story. He created me, He made me in His image.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139;14

Celebrate whether it's your birthday or not, your author took the time to write your story, it's not over yet. You are fearfully and wonderfully made!!!

Confession: It's good for the soul (So is chocolate cake!)

Confession: It's good for the soul (So is chocolate cake!)

Okay, so I know that chocolate cake isn't good for your body but I personally have not met a woman that would argue that it's not good for your soul! (Really chocolate anything will do)Let me tell you a very small bit about me! If you know me well then you will expect nothing but honesty from me, if you don't know me well, you will soon find out! A few things that I am are... A wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister... I'm more than this, but these stand out. I'm not always good at these things, but who is ALWAYS good at anything?!?! I love my family and friends, and most people in general but I don't always like everyone and I'm sure that plenty of people don't always like me! Actually there are lots of times I don't even like myself, this is part of the reason I decided to write. Before I start confessing, I suppose I will give you a little bit of my inspiration for starting a blog.

Here is short conversation I hear from other women (and have also thought myself)
-"Wow, this is a great dish! Can I have the recipe?"
-"Oh thanks! But it's a secret...haha"
This seems so innocent right?!?! But really, it's pretty jacked up! If I have you over for dinner with my family and you love my meal and want to make it for your family, then why wouldn't I want for you and your family to enjoy it at home just as much as you enjoyed it with me??? I'll tell you why, because then you might make the dish and it might taste as good as mine (maybe better!) and then I'm not as special or MY recipe isn't as special. This seems so innocent but is just a very small look into how most women really live their (our) lives.... In Secret!!! So here we go...

Confession is good for your soul. I always hear people say this, and once I think about it, I agree. I don't mean confession as in going to a priest, sitting in a closet and confessing all you've done wrong and then saying 5 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers and blah blah blah. ( no harm meant if that's something you practice) I mean confession as in just being honest and real with yourself and other women! I keep my feelings, frustrations, hurts, failures, mistakes.... to myself because if others see these things, then what would they think of me!?!? But when I do "confess" these things to someone (other women) I feel so relieved, not only to just be real, but also because in confessing you almost always find out that it's not just YOU.

Women are so hard on themselves and each other, we pick ourselves apart, and when we are hurting we pick everyone else apart. We could be building each other up, supporting each other... how much better would you feel if you knew that ALL women struggle as mothers, wives, friends, leaders, teachers, followers.... Guess what we do ALL struggle with frustrations, and insecurities, and things we feel we are failing at. Acknowledging/confessing these things brings freedom for yourself and frees other women from trying to accomplish unrealistic goals because of the false expectations we've given others! Confession makes you feel free, which feels amazing! And that my friends is why Confession is like eating chocolate cake, because chocolate cake always makes you feel better! (even if it's just a nibble)

So here is my first confession... I'm not very good at computers and just signing up to write a blog took me over 2 hours and lots of tears, AND I neglected my children while doing it! And if I had some chocolate cake, I would so be eating it right now!